Tuesday, May 05, 2009


When I was a lad I had a goldfish, Gumby. It lived in a regular fish bowl with my little brothers fish, Pokey. I uncharacteristically took good care of Gumby. I would clean the bowl regularly and fed him once a day. Then one day tragity struck our small Lime Crest Court home. One morning my sister awoke and found Gumby on the kitchen floor. Apparantly he jumped out of the bowl, killing himself, comitting Sushiside. It seemed like an open and shut case and a tragic loss. I however was not convinced.
It's was my speculation that Gumby was lured to the edge of the bowl and pushed out...by Pokey! What was obvious to me right from the start was the simple fact that there was no Sushiside note. Gumby seemed like a well adjusted fish. He swam in circles all day long and ate when fed, giving no indication of a deep seeded depression and no reason to kill himself. I demanded an autopsey of the body, but was informed that it was too late. He had already been sent to Goldfish heaven, via the toilet.
Without the proper evidence, I knew I could never make a case against Pokey. I would stare into the fish bowl and mutter "I know it was you." to that evil little fish and I swear, sometimes, that little punk would wink at me knowingly.
A few days later, another goldfish was purchased. His name was Gumby 2. When he was placed in the bowl, he swam over to Pokey and exchanged a "High Five" by slapping fins. I finaly knew the motive. Bump the bowl mate out of the way to make room for your friends at the pet store. My plea for justice fell on deaf ears when I tried to phone the police.
I alone was aware of the decitefulness of that little fish. I, being a child, had to live under the same roof as that murdering fish. Fortunatly for me, both the remaining fish were dead in a few weeks. They were promptly sent to Goldfish hell, via the toilet.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Greeting Earthlings

Yes, don't be alarmed. I posted to my blog this morning. What does this mean, you ask? Are you back to blogging again? Why does such wonderful meat come from pigs? I'm not sure what my problem has been with this blog lately. Perhaps I've just been super busy. I am hoping that I'll be able to find more things to blog about. Stay tuned.

Two Blue Barrels

I noticed today at work there are two blue barrels in the lobby with flyers on them indicating that we are supposed to be putting food into them. The flyers seem to have just been created in Word and taped to these barrels. And you know what? There is actually food in them! My question is this: Who put these barrels here? If I got a hold of a blue barrel and placed it in an office lobby and asked people to put some items in them with a poorly designed flyer, would people actually fill them? I think so! Which leads me to my next question. Why am I working everyday like a sucker when I could be simply placing barrels in locations to obtain my daily needs. One barrel for food, gift certificates to restaurants accepted. One barrel for childrens clothing. Who knows, maybe just a barrel asking people to put in money. I think that the only reason I don't do this, is that it's probably illegal...and would most likely land me a seat in Hell.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I'm Still Alive!

Contrary to popular belief, I am still among the living. I just haven't been posting here for a while. Well, here I am. Posting. I have no real excuse for not posting. I just haven't really had anything to say. So, here is what life is like right now...We've been back in Elk Grove now for over 4 months. My youngest daughter is now 3 months old. My oldest daughter is turning 3 in a few weeks. Laura is getting all set to start school this month. I am still working my job at Sutter. That's life. Pretty routine. So...hmm, what do you want to talk about...the weather's been pretty mild lately...what about that whole Georgia and Russia thing...weird huh? I wonder how Florida is holding up...That's all I got. Here's a funny picture.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Al Gore Prepares Son for the Future

EARTH—Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.

"I tried to warn them, but the Elders of this planet would not listen," said Gore, who in 2000 was nearly banished to a featureless realm of nonexistence for promoting his unpopular message. "They called me foolish and laughed at my predictions. Yet even now, the Midwest is flooded, the ice caps are melting, and the cities are rocked with tremors, just as I foretold. Fools! Why didn't they heed me before it was too late?"

Al Gore—or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al—placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity's hubristic folly.

"There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race," Gore said. "I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home."

As the rocket soared through the Gore estate's retractable solar-paneled roof—installed three years ago to save energy and provide emergency rocket-launch capability in the event that Gore's campaign to save Earth was unsuccessful—the onetime presidential candidate and his wife, Tipper, stood arm-in-arm, nobly facing their end while gazing up in stoic dignity at the receding rocket, the ecosystem already beginning to collapse around them.

In the final moments before the Earth's destruction, Gore expressed hope that his son would one day grow up to carry on his mission by fighting for truth, justice, and the American way elsewhere in the universe, using his Earth-given superpowers to become a champion of the downtrodden and a reducer of carbon emissions across the galaxy.

"Perhaps he will succeed where I have failed," Gore said.

Despite the child's humble beginnings, experts predict the intergalactic journey may have some extraordinary effects on Kal-Al's physique, eyesight, and, potentially, his powers of quiet, sensible persuasion.

"On his new planet, Kal-Al's Earth physiology will react to the radiation of a differently colored sun, causing him to develop abilities far beyond those of mortal men," political analyst Sig Schuster said. "He will be faster than a speeding Prius, stronger than the existing Superfund program, and able to leap mountains of red tape in a single bound. These superpowers will sustain him in his never-ending battle against conservatives, wealthy industrialists, and other environmental supervillains."

Although Gore and his wife voiced regrets that they could not accompany their son on his journey, they tried their best to equip Kal-Al for life on his new planet, providing the infant with a Keynote slide-show presentation of all human knowledge, a self-growing crystal fortress from which to monitor glacier shrinkage, and a copy of Al Gore's 1992 bestseller, Earth In The Balance.

The baby was also wrapped in a blanket emblazoned with the Gore family crest, which, because it is made of Earth materials, will be invulnerable on the new planet. It is hoped that one day it will be fashioned into a colorful costume for the boy to wear while fighting wrongdoers.

"In brightly hued tights, it will be harder for people there to ignore him when he takes on his new planet's lobbyists, auto manufacturers, and enemies of justice," Schuster said. "A bold and eye-catching unitard will give Kal-Al, last son of Earth, a formidable tool for protecting his new planet, a power more awesome than any his father could have dreamed of: the power of charisma."

From TheOnion.com

Monday, July 21, 2008

Life is Taking Forever

Why does it feel like life is taking so long? Maybe because every day seems exactly the same. Every week blends into every other week. Every month is the same as the previous months. I find myself reflecting on life in Philadelphia. I no longer consider it the hell hole I once thought it was. In fact, I look back on our time there longingly wishing we could be back. It's not necessarily the city I miss, although, I do miss it quite a bit. It was the life I was able to live out there. My sole purpose for nine months was to take care of my daughter and support my wife. I woke up in the mornings and watched cartoons with my kid. We asked the question together "What do you want to do today?" and the answers were always exciting. The zoo, the mall, the museums. Today I woke up, unsure of what day it actually was in my groggy morning haze and realized that it doesn't actually matter what day it is. I know I have to go to work, just like every other day. No one asks me what I want to do today for fun. I don't get to slowly wake up to Spongbob and my daughters request for juice. I get to be stuck in the I-5 construction with everyone else trying to simply drive my car to work, which seems so difficult when they won't let you drive on the road that gets you there. I don't mean to sound ungrateful about having a job. It's a great job as far as jobs go and the money I bring in is absolutely essential in maintaining an existence. I'm a grown up, this is what we do. But for nine wonderful months I lived the other side where I was the boss. I was the activities director for a 2 year old who adored me. I drew my comics and played video games in the evening. I had energy to walk for miles a day to see what the city offered around each corner. Now all I want to do at the end of a day is sit on the couch and watch tv with my wife because I'm exhausted. I know life at home with kids isn't all fun and games. It's a lot of work. A lot of work. I'm sure my brain has erased most of what was difficult about that life and replaced it with the flowers and sunshine that I now think back on. I remember out there not being happy as well. I remember thinking that I wanted a job so I could get out of the house alone sometimes. That I wanted to be a contributing member of society. That I would love to bring in money. Life is funny that way. Why can't I simply be happy with what I am doing currently, no matter what? Why can't I just find something inside myself that makes me happy and hang on to it? I love my family very much. I enjoy my time I get to spend with them. They make me genuinely happy...a lot. But it takes a lot of work, a lot of effort, a lot of yourself to live with other humans, to work with other humans, to be a human. I'm just feeling frazzled around the edges. I'm too young to be so worn out.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

My New Car

I have to preface this posting by saying two things. First, my wife is awesome. Second, it didn't cost what you think it costs. That having been said, I bought a new car. We sold my Honda Civic last year when we moved to Philadelphia and have been a one car family since then. In Philly, it worked out great because we could walk most everywhere we wanted to be. And it was great. Now that were back in our home and the city life is over we have been living with the one car. It's been nice getting a ride to work on a few days and spending that extra time with the wife and kids, but Laura will start school soon. We will need to be able to shuffle and juggle a bit more. Now I have done my research. I have looked into almost every type car that's available. I have been wheeling and dealing with car dealers via phone calls, emails, and drop ins. I have haggled my way to the best price of every car that I liked or thought I liked. Most the cars were going to be too much when you factored in the financing or options like, air conditioning. My brother told me about the GM Family pricing we get because my Grandfather worked for so long at a GM factory. I could get any GM new car for a huge price deduction and 0% financing. So, I looked at a few GM cars closer. The cheapest one that I could find that I liked was the Pontiac Solstice, in fact there was only one other car cheaper and it was a tiny little lego car. I know, it's a two seater sports car convertible. But seriously, with the rebate and the financing it was cheaper then any of the sedans I was looking at. I even drove a few sub compact cars. I couldn't stop thinking "This cars is a dream car, but still less expensive then the other more practical cars". I couldn't get over the two seater aspect as I have kids now. When it comes down to it I had a conversation with my wife. It's is impractical to have a two seater car, but this is the car that will take me to work, and take Laura to school. The monthly payment is what makes the most sense to us. And the gas millage is still 32 mph. Also, it was 200 dollars less to insure for some reason as well. So for all those family and friends who see my new car and think that we have overstretched our budget, or who think that we are being impractical or who think I am going through and early mid life crisis should know. It was cheaper, it's our commuter, it made sense. That being said....it's also a TRANSFORMER!

Friday, June 13, 2008

I Shot A Gun

I am not a paranoid person. Let me rephrase that, I am not an overly paranoid person. Yes I believe the Illuminati is running the world. Yes I believe we are no longer being represented in our Government. Yes I believe that every person on the street is secretly broadcasting my exact location to the Secret Soviet Union. But I don't think this makes me paranoid. Okay, that last one kinda does. I have been listening to Coast to Coast AM for a few months now and have been hearing of the impending social outbreaks. The rising fuel cost is raising the food prices in the country. It's also becoming increasingly difficult for our Independent Truckers to deliver the pricey food to the stores thus becoming harder for us to buy the food. An economist on NPR said that the US is heading for food riots soon. These aren't going to be like the riots we've seen in the past where the downtown area of Los Angeles or Detroit are ransacked. These riots are going to occur in our neighborhoods. The economist advice to the host: Plant food in your backyard and buy a gun. I've done the first part. As I wait for my crop of chickens to grow (Just plant an egg right?) I've been contemplating the second part.
I've somehow lived my whole life without firing a gun. I had the thought, if I am to purchase a gun I should probably shoot one first. I gathered some some people I trust not to shoot me (Tony, Aaron and Christian) and headed out to the Elk Grove Gun Room. The man behind the counter was very helpful in taking our money and pointing to the rules. We decided to rent two different guns. A 9 mm Glock and a .38 revolver.
We put on our eye protection and ear protection, grabbed our targets, guns and ammo and headed into the shooting range. When we set foot in the range we noticed a man, alone, firing a large caliber weapon. Every time he shot the deafening concussion caused us all to jump. (I don't know about the rest of them, but I jumped with giddy excitement, not scared...) I took the Glock into the lane and stared at it for a moment before I realized I don't know how to put the bullet in the clip. Christian, being the one of us familiar with guns (ie. the only real man), loaded the clip. I slipped the clip into the gun, aimed it at the target downrange, pressed the button near the handle that slid the top into place and froze. I had the realization that I was holding a powerful, very lethal weapon. I assumed the stance that I've seen so many times on television cop shows and squeezed the trigger. The gun's report and the flash of the muzzle were followed by the sweet intoxicating smell of fireworks. (On a side note, ladies, if you want a man to fall in love with you, fireworks perfume.) I was surprised to find that the kick of the gun wasn't as bad as I had feared it would be. In fact, it felt pretty good. I squeezed off the other nine rounds and brought the target back. I was pleased with how well I did. A few shots hit the bulls eye and the rest were pretty close. I knew all that time playing Duck Hunt on the Nintendo wasn't for nothing! We took turns shooting the two guns. We shot a total of 150 rounds between us. I'm not sure which of the two guns I preferred. This experience is on my "Most Fun I've Ever Had" list. Not the top position, but on the list. And I'm pretty sure I can now say that I'm a man. Or at least one step closer to becoming one.
You can listen to a Robot read this to you here:

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

TPC Solutions: Gas Prices

We at the think tank of The Primate Cage have decided to offer the world solutions to impending problems we all face. We have been watching the planet from our lofty perch and can no longer sit around and let the world suffer. We will call these segments TPC Solutions. This week we are going to tackle the issue of high gas prices. Not only will we tackle it, but we will put in a full nelson, give it a wedgie, a swirly and make it dance the truffle shuffle. I am sure you are all aware of the of price gas and it's ever increasing lunacy. People are becoming outraged as oil prices skyrocket. The controllers of the oil get richer and richer while the average person gets poorer and poorer. I hear quite often in this day and age of more fuel efficient vehicles. I think that this is a temporary solution. The oil we use today is a finite supply. Eventually, the car that can go 500 miles to the gallon will have nothing to put in it's tank rendering it useless. We as a people need an alternative. The Primate Cage has two. The first idea is to toss out the traditional car and replace it with Rickshaws. For those of you who don't know what a rickshaw is, it's a buggy that is pulled by a human. I know this doesn't seem like a viable solution, but hear me out. Instead of being pulled by your average human, I recommend using a super human, with bionic limbs or pumped full of steroids. Imagine cruising down the highway in an open air buggy being pulled at 75 mph by a super human with gigantic legs. Paradise. Except for the person pulling the buggy. Which leads me to my second idea. Nuclear cars. One simple nuclear engine can run a car for many hundreds of years without the need for refueling. The idea of nuclear technology on our roads may be scary to some of those who recall the events of Chernobyl, or 3 mile island or those crazy movies in the 50's where the nuclear radiated ant attacks the Nevada city. But I assure you it's is quite safe. Nuclear engines have been powering many of our proud Submarines for years with only one or two nuclear accidents. And look at the bright side, if you are rear ended and the engine does meltdown, you won't have to worry about getting a new car any time soon.

Monday, June 02, 2008

TPC Exposé : The Bob Ross Code

During our extensive research for the previous Expose we have uncovered a riddle that may have a global impact.
After viewing many of the over 745 million paintings done by Bob Ross I began to notice small clues that lead me on a trail of intrigue and life changing discovery. The idea of hidden secrets in works of art by the great masters was brought to the publics mind by the book The Da Vinci Code. Having myself been a fan of the book (Not the movie) I have kept a keen eye out for the possibility for other such secrets locked in art. Why not look a little closer at the greatest artist of the twentieth century, Bob Ross? The first painting that caught my eye was this rather beautiful landscape entitled "At Dawn's Light"
Upon closer inspection you will find that Bob changed his signature to read "Horatio Magellan" Why would a master painter give credit for a beautiful snowy landscape to someone else? To give us a clue to a deeper secret. Let's continue.

This painting, one of my favorites hides a detail that is not usually found in Bob's other paintings. Closer inspection reveals that there is an old sail style vessel of some sort hiding amongst the happy bushes. Further research leads me to believe that this is the "Good Ship Guppy". Before I give away those secrets, let's continue.
This painting, another masterpiece shows a foggy ship sailing toward the viewer with a distressed young man at the ships bow. The figure rowing the vessel is not facing the painting but I can safely say, resembles Captain Crunch.
That's right. The illustrious Captain Crunch. Or Cap'n as he is referred to now. Why would Bob Ross, a master of art, be hiding images of Cap'n Crunch in his paintings? Here is the last of the Bob Ross Code paintings.I really wish I would have run across this one first as it would have saved me a lot of time researching the subject. What I have deduced from these paintings is this: Bob Ross has uncovered the simple fact that Captain "Horatio Magellan" Crunch was not an official Captain. That he was in fact only a lieutenant aboard The Good Ship Guppy. He was promoted in the early days of the cereal franchise because Lieutenant Crunch wasn't selling any boxes. It is still a mystery as to why Bob Ross was so vexed by this simple fact. A fact that Bob has taken to his Grave. And which leads me to believe, that I have wasted a lot of time.