TPC Exposé : Bob Ross

This will be the first in new segment on The Primate Cage of hard hitting Exposé. An ongoing series meant to tackle the hard questions no one is asking.
My wife and I were having a typical deeply intellectual and thought provoking conversation about matters of great importance a few days ago and the question came up..."Where are all the paintings that Bob Ross painted during his show?"
The television program "The Joy of Painting" ran from 1983 to 1995 and was a staple of Public Television. On the show the Afroed Bob Ross painted an entire landscape painting in the half hour segments. During the twelve years the show was on the air I estimate that Bob painted roughly 45 million paintings. One can only assume it's taken Bob several years to attain the "Happy Tree" level of painting mastery that he had accomplished. We will estimate that in the off time from the show both in lifetime achievement and hobby painting Bob produced another 700 million paintings. This would make a combined total of about 745 million paintings.
We at TPC ask, "Where the fudge are those paintings?" We set out to find the answer. We speculated that there is somewhere a Bob Ross museum where there are miles and miles of corridors setup to display this staggeringly large collection. My wife assumed the were given away during the PBS beg-a-thons, probably with a nice tote bag with the PBS logo and a DVD of the best of Nova. The real answer? This simple line from Wikipedia sums it up.
"After his death, Bob Ross Incorporated donated most of his paintings to charities and public television stations."
A simple answer. But I don't think this ends here. What charities were these masterpieces going to? What did PBS do with the paintings? These questions we may never know the answers to. I assume some major art hoarder is hanging onto these gems in some private collection. Maybe they are hanging next to the "real" Mona Lisa and other stolen works of art. Never to be adored by mankind ever again. The human population will never be quite whole until these priceless works of art are put on a public display in a fine museum, or for sale in front of a large truck parked on a corner somewhere with oversize towels with pictures of Elvis or Tigers on them.
At least we can purchase one episode of The Joy of Painting on VHS for only $39.99 and relive the magic.

Another Tennis Update!

This week has truly proven to be a remarkable week in the world of Tennis as the Summer 2008 Tennis Classic rages on. After the devastating loss earlier this week Tracy demanded a few changes. Now having proof that Tony is in fact a Giant Robot the judges allowed a few concession in the rules in Tracy's favor. The most important rule was a change of location. The lava courts they have been playing on, where the sun is a mere 50 feet from the surface of the court, is not their only option. On Thursday in an unprecedented change the game was played on an icy tundra. It's the same court ironically. The change that occurred was the time the games were played. Instead of 4:30 in the afternoon, they played at 5:00 in the morning. The cold proved too much for the Giant Robot Tony who called the match after only 3 short games claiming he could not feel his limbs.
Tracy, being the gracious player that he is, spoke with the judges and had this match declared a "practice match" instead of a forfeit. Tracy's fanbase was stunned at this announcement as he is currently trailing in games. "I want to win fair and square. I know Tony wouldn't have done the same for me if I needed to bow out, but that's no reason to be a bad sport about it." Tracy said even though his side of the court was underwater. We would also like to point out that Tracy was winning 3-0 at the time of the "Bow Out".
Tony had some of his circuits swapped out for cold weather gear and the players took the court again this morning at 5:00. Tracy quickly took the lead in the games as Tony's vision program was slow to come online. After the first 6 games Tracy was winning 4-2. Tony then came back to tie the games at 4 each. Tracy then took an aggressive stance and won the match 6-4. This brings the game count to 3-2 in favor of Tony.
On a side note we at The Primate Cage would like to report on a comment made on Tony's blog. He stated on May 19th "Tony traveled back in time earlier this month to complete a victorious tenth win to conclude the 2007 summer series." This is true. Tony and Tracy did go back in time to complete the 2007 Summer series. What he failed to mention is the fact that he shot Tracy in the knee cap shortly before the match. Tracy, being the sportsman he is, played on anyway and only ended up loosing by a very small margin. We chose not to mention this game in protest to the injury of our favorite player.

Tennis Update

Another game of Tennis in the controversial Summer 2008 Tennis Classic was played yesterday. It is this reporters opinion that Tracy was in rare form. He made some incredible, physics defying shots but was unable to overcome Tony's blatant cheating. Tracy ended up loosing 6-2. We sat down with Tracy and would like to share this interview.

The Primate Cage (TPC): Thank you for sitting down with us.
Tracy: You're welcome. Big fan of the blog. I am always impressed with the shear amount of truth I read there.
TPC: Well thank you. We try and give the most truthiest truth we can. Let's talk about the match yesterday. What happened? Why the huge loss?
Tracy: The first thing you need to understand is that Tony is a huge cheater.
TPC: Oh, well, I thought that was common knowledge.
Tracy: Right. Well it seems that Tony has been able to somehow create a weather machine. During the game the wind would blow in such a suspicious way. There is no way that was a natural wind. It literally would hold my ball in mid air, and then drop it into my side of the net. Or blow the ball out of bounds when it should have hit the middle of the court. There is no way it was real.
TPC: We noticed that.
Tracy: Not only that. This happened last year too, but Tony would constantly drink from some sort of bottle after every match. I've asked several times for the officials to examine the fluid but they are afraid of the cursing and the threats Tony offers everytime they get close.
TPC: What do you think it is?
Tracy: Go Girl Engery Drink mixed with Gasoline.
TPC: Gasoline?
Tracy: That's right. Tony is a robot. I have proof! He is a Soviet Mecha Tennis Playing Robot created for the 1984 Olympics. As we all know, they didn't show up for those Olympics because the Giant Robot Tennis Players were banned. One of those Robots gained sentience and started calling him self "Tony".
TPC: So you're saying he is a banned giant robot?
Tracy: Yes.
TPC: Woah.
Tracy: Totally.
TPC: This is truly a David and Goliath story.
Tracy: Yeah, except David lost in this one.
TPC: Oh, right.

You heard it here first folks. Tony may be a giant mecha robot designed to play tennis. This however may not be illegal in the Summer 2008 Tennis Classic. Time will tell.
One last note. Please disregard the lies and rumor mill coming from the Tony Camp blog.

Summer 2008 Tennis Classic Has Begun!

One of the most anticipated events our world has ever beheld has begun. The Summer 2008 Tennis Classic. Clash of the Titans as some have called it, began when Tracy Constantine and Tony Caston stepped back into the (now famous) Tennis court where the epic battles took place last year. We at The Primate Cage have decided to devote our reporting to the obviously superior Tracy's side of the match.
This news flash is a few weeks late as the battle has already begun. The first two matches went to Tony. This is due to the fact that cheating had, at this point, not been outlawed. Tony, who if you recall was busted last year for his use of performance enhancing Go Girl energy drink, came prepared with a tank of "Mysteriously Pink Fluid" from which he was taking regular drinks. When the officials attempted to inspect the fluid Tony would growl and throw large rocks at the judges. Being too frightened to continue their efforts to inspect, they deemed it a harmless pink water. The Tracy camp however suspects it's the very same Go Girl energy drink that caused such a controversy last year. The jury is still out on wither or not the first two matches will even count.
The most noteworthy news however was the last match. After being down 3-5, Tracy was able to summon other-worldly courage and stamina to tie the match 6-6 causing an epic throw down tie breaker match. Tracy's perseverance held out as he managed to win 7-5. The Tony supporters, who are in this reporters opinion, soft in the head and cannot recognize and obviously superior force, almost tore the courts apart in their riotous indignation. Tony quickly left the court and headed home. There are reports right now that this loss has caused him to become physically ill to the point of missing a Mother's Day celebration party at his "In-Law's" house. It is unclear at this time as to wither he was simply "Frightened" or "To Cowardly" to attend as he knew that Tracy would be there as well.
The next match is scheduled for Tuesday. So stay tuned for more news from Tracy's Camp at The Primate Cage!
UPDATE! It appears that Tony has started to blog about the matches too. You can see for yourself how deceptive he is here: http://phattonyssillyblog.blogspot.com/