I Shot A Gun

I am not a paranoid person. Let me rephrase that, I am not an overly paranoid person. Yes I believe the Illuminati is running the world. Yes I believe we are no longer being represented in our Government. Yes I believe that every person on the street is secretly broadcasting my exact location to the Secret Soviet Union. But I don't think this makes me paranoid. Okay, that last one kinda does. I have been listening to Coast to Coast AM for a few months now and have been hearing of the impending social outbreaks. The rising fuel cost is raising the food prices in the country. It's also becoming increasingly difficult for our Independent Truckers to deliver the pricey food to the stores thus becoming harder for us to buy the food. An economist on NPR said that the US is heading for food riots soon. These aren't going to be like the riots we've seen in the past where the downtown area of Los Angeles or Detroit are ransacked. These riots are going to occur in our neighborhoods. The economist advice to the host: Plant food in your backyard and buy a gun. I've done the first part. As I wait for my crop of chickens to grow (Just plant an egg right?) I've been contemplating the second part.
I've somehow lived my whole life without firing a gun. I had the thought, if I am to purchase a gun I should probably shoot one first. I gathered some some people I trust not to shoot me (Tony, Aaron and Christian) and headed out to the Elk Grove Gun Room. The man behind the counter was very helpful in taking our money and pointing to the rules. We decided to rent two different guns. A 9 mm Glock and a .38 revolver.
We put on our eye protection and ear protection, grabbed our targets, guns and ammo and headed into the shooting range. When we set foot in the range we noticed a man, alone, firing a large caliber weapon. Every time he shot the deafening concussion caused us all to jump. (I don't know about the rest of them, but I jumped with giddy excitement, not scared...) I took the Glock into the lane and stared at it for a moment before I realized I don't know how to put the bullet in the clip. Christian, being the one of us familiar with guns (ie. the only real man), loaded the clip. I slipped the clip into the gun, aimed it at the target downrange, pressed the button near the handle that slid the top into place and froze. I had the realization that I was holding a powerful, very lethal weapon. I assumed the stance that I've seen so many times on television cop shows and squeezed the trigger. The gun's report and the flash of the muzzle were followed by the sweet intoxicating smell of fireworks. (On a side note, ladies, if you want a man to fall in love with you, fireworks perfume.) I was surprised to find that the kick of the gun wasn't as bad as I had feared it would be. In fact, it felt pretty good. I squeezed off the other nine rounds and brought the target back. I was pleased with how well I did. A few shots hit the bulls eye and the rest were pretty close. I knew all that time playing Duck Hunt on the Nintendo wasn't for nothing! We took turns shooting the two guns. We shot a total of 150 rounds between us. I'm not sure which of the two guns I preferred. This experience is on my "Most Fun I've Ever Had" list. Not the top position, but on the list. And I'm pretty sure I can now say that I'm a man. Or at least one step closer to becoming one.
You can listen to a Robot read this to you here:

TPC Solutions: Gas Prices

We at the think tank of The Primate Cage have decided to offer the world solutions to impending problems we all face. We have been watching the planet from our lofty perch and can no longer sit around and let the world suffer. We will call these segments TPC Solutions. This week we are going to tackle the issue of high gas prices. Not only will we tackle it, but we will put in a full nelson, give it a wedgie, a swirly and make it dance the truffle shuffle. I am sure you are all aware of the of price gas and it's ever increasing lunacy. People are becoming outraged as oil prices skyrocket. The controllers of the oil get richer and richer while the average person gets poorer and poorer. I hear quite often in this day and age of more fuel efficient vehicles. I think that this is a temporary solution. The oil we use today is a finite supply. Eventually, the car that can go 500 miles to the gallon will have nothing to put in it's tank rendering it useless. We as a people need an alternative. The Primate Cage has two. The first idea is to toss out the traditional car and replace it with Rickshaws. For those of you who don't know what a rickshaw is, it's a buggy that is pulled by a human. I know this doesn't seem like a viable solution, but hear me out. Instead of being pulled by your average human, I recommend using a super human, with bionic limbs or pumped full of steroids. Imagine cruising down the highway in an open air buggy being pulled at 75 mph by a super human with gigantic legs. Paradise. Except for the person pulling the buggy. Which leads me to my second idea. Nuclear cars. One simple nuclear engine can run a car for many hundreds of years without the need for refueling. The idea of nuclear technology on our roads may be scary to some of those who recall the events of Chernobyl, or 3 mile island or those crazy movies in the 50's where the nuclear radiated ant attacks the Nevada city. But I assure you it's is quite safe. Nuclear engines have been powering many of our proud Submarines for years with only one or two nuclear accidents. And look at the bright side, if you are rear ended and the engine does meltdown, you won't have to worry about getting a new car any time soon.

TPC Exposé : The Bob Ross Code

During our extensive research for the previous Expose we have uncovered a riddle that may have a global impact.
After viewing many of the over 745 million paintings done by Bob Ross I began to notice small clues that lead me on a trail of intrigue and life changing discovery. The idea of hidden secrets in works of art by the great masters was brought to the publics mind by the book The Da Vinci Code. Having myself been a fan of the book (Not the movie) I have kept a keen eye out for the possibility for other such secrets locked in art. Why not look a little closer at the greatest artist of the twentieth century, Bob Ross? The first painting that caught my eye was this rather beautiful landscape entitled "At Dawn's Light"
Upon closer inspection you will find that Bob changed his signature to read "Horatio Magellan" Why would a master painter give credit for a beautiful snowy landscape to someone else? To give us a clue to a deeper secret. Let's continue.

This painting, one of my favorites hides a detail that is not usually found in Bob's other paintings. Closer inspection reveals that there is an old sail style vessel of some sort hiding amongst the happy bushes. Further research leads me to believe that this is the "Good Ship Guppy". Before I give away those secrets, let's continue.
This painting, another masterpiece shows a foggy ship sailing toward the viewer with a distressed young man at the ships bow. The figure rowing the vessel is not facing the painting but I can safely say, resembles Captain Crunch.
That's right. The illustrious Captain Crunch. Or Cap'n as he is referred to now. Why would Bob Ross, a master of art, be hiding images of Cap'n Crunch in his paintings? Here is the last of the Bob Ross Code paintings.I really wish I would have run across this one first as it would have saved me a lot of time researching the subject. What I have deduced from these paintings is this: Bob Ross has uncovered the simple fact that Captain "Horatio Magellan" Crunch was not an official Captain. That he was in fact only a lieutenant aboard The Good Ship Guppy. He was promoted in the early days of the cereal franchise because Lieutenant Crunch wasn't selling any boxes. It is still a mystery as to why Bob Ross was so vexed by this simple fact. A fact that Bob has taken to his Grave. And which leads me to believe, that I have wasted a lot of time.