The Primate Cage

Sushiside

2009-05-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

When I was a lad I had a goldfish, Gumby. It lived in a regular fish bowl with my little brothers fish, Pokey. I uncharacteristically took good care of Gumby. I would clean the bowl regularly and fed him once a day. Then one day tragity struck our small Lime Crest Court home. One morning my sister awoke and found Gumby on the kitchen floor. Apparantly he jumped out of the bowl, killing himself, comitting Sushiside. It seemed like an open and shut case and a tragic loss. I however was not convinced.
It's was my speculation that Gumby was lured to the edge of the bowl and pushed out...by Pokey! What was obvious to me right from the start was the simple fact that there was no Sushiside note. Gumby seemed like a well adjusted fish. He swam in circles all day long and ate when fed, giving no indication of a deep seeded depression and no reason to kill himself. I demanded an autopsey of the body, but was informed that it was too late. He had already been sent to Goldfish heaven, via the toilet.
Without the proper evidence, I knew I could never make a case against Pokey. I would stare into the fish bowl and mutter "I know it was you." to that evil little fish and I swear, sometimes, that little punk would wink at me knowingly.
A few days later, another goldfish was purchased. His name was Gumby 2. When he was placed in the bowl, he swam over to Pokey and exchanged a "High Five" by slapping fins. I finaly knew the motive. Bump the bowl mate out of the way to make room for your friends at the pet store. My plea for justice fell on deaf ears when I tried to phone the police.
I alone was aware of the decitefulness of that little fish. I, being a child, had to live under the same roof as that murdering fish. Fortunatly for me, both the remaining fish were dead in a few weeks. They were promptly sent to Goldfish hell, via the toilet.

Greeting Earthlings

2009-02-09T09:10:00.000-08:00

Yes, don't be alarmed. I posted to my blog this morning. What does this mean, you ask? Are you back to blogging again? Why does such wonderful meat come from pigs? I'm not sure what my problem has been with this blog lately. Perhaps I've just been super busy. I am hoping that I'll be able to find more things to blog about. Stay tuned.

Two Blue Barrels

2009-02-09T08:49:00.001-08:00

I noticed today at work there are two blue barrels in the lobby with flyers on them indicating that we are supposed to be putting food into them. The flyers seem to have just been created in Word and taped to these barrels. And you know what? There is actually food in them! My question is this: Who put these barrels here? If I got a hold of a blue barrel and placed it in an office lobby and asked people to put some items in them with a poorly designed flyer, would people actually fill them? I think so! Which leads me to my next question. Why am I working everyday like a sucker when I could be simply placing barrels in locations to obtain my daily needs. One barrel for food, gift certificates to restaurants accepted. One barrel for childrens clothing. Who knows, maybe just a barrel asking people to put in money. I think that the only reason I don't do this, is that it's probably illegal...and would most likely land me a seat in Hell.

I'm Still Alive!

2008-09-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular belief, I am still among the living. I just haven't been posting here for a while. Well, here I am. Posting. I have no real excuse for not posting. I just haven't really had anything to say. So, here is what life is like right now...We've been back in Elk Grove now for over 4 months. My youngest daughter is now 3 months old. My oldest daughter is turning 3 in a few weeks. Laura is getting all set to start school this month. I am still working my job at Sutter. That's life. Pretty routine. So...hmm, what do you want to talk about...the weather's been pretty mild lately...what about that whole Georgia and Russia thing...weird huh? I wonder how Florida is holding up...That's all I got. Here's a funny picture.

Al Gore Prepares Son for the Future

2008-07-30T14:34:00.000-07:00

EARTH—Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.

"I tried to warn them, but the Elders of this planet would not listen," said Gore, who in 2000 was nearly banished to a featureless realm of nonexistence for promoting his unpopular message. "They called me foolish and laughed at my predictions. Yet even now, the Midwest is flooded, the ice caps are melting, and the cities are rocked with tremors, just as I foretold. Fools! Why didn't they heed me before it was too late?"

Al Gore—or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al—placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity's hubristic folly.

"There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race," Gore said. "I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home."

As the rocket soared through the Gore estate's retractable solar-paneled roof—installed three years ago to save energy and provide emergency rocket-launch capability in the event that Gore's campaign to save Earth was unsuccessful—the onetime presidential candidate and his wife, Tipper, stood arm-in-arm, nobly facing their end while gazing up in stoic dignity at the receding rocket, the ecosystem already beginning to collapse around them.

In the final moments before the Earth's destruction, Gore expressed hope that his son would one day grow up to carry on his mission by fighting for truth, justice, and the American way elsewhere in the universe, using his Earth-given superpowers to become a champion of the downtrodden and a reducer of carbon emissions across the galaxy.

"Perhaps he will succeed where I have failed," Gore said.

Despite the child's humble beginnings, experts predict the intergalactic journey may have some extraordinary effects on Kal-Al's physique, eyesight, and, potentially, his powers of quiet, sensible persuasion.

"On his new planet, Kal-Al's Earth physiology will react to the radiation of a differently colored sun, causing him to develop abilities far beyond those of mortal men," political analyst Sig Schuster said. "He will be faster than a speeding Prius, stronger than the existing Superfund program, and able to leap mountains of red tape in a single bound. These superpowers will sustain him in his never-ending battle against conservatives, wealthy industrialists, and other environmental supervillains."

Although Gore and his wife voiced regrets that they could not accompany their son on his journey, they tried their best to equip Kal-Al for life on his new planet, providing the infant with a Keynote slide-show presentation of all human knowledge, a self-growing crystal fortress from which to monitor glacier shrinkage, and a copy of Al Gore's 1992 bestseller, Earth In The Balance.

The baby was also wrapped in a blanket emblazoned with the Gore family crest, which, because it is made of Earth materials, will be invulnerable on the new planet. It is hoped that one day it will be fashioned into a colorful costume for the boy to wear while fighting wrongdoers.

"In brightly hued tights, it will be harder for people there to ignore him when he takes on his new planet's lobbyists, auto manufacturers, and enemies of justice," Schuster said. "A bold and eye-catching unitard will give Kal-Al, last son of Earth, a formidable tool for protecting his new planet, a power more awesome than any his father could have dreamed of: the power of charisma."

From TheOnion.com

Life is Taking Forever

2008-07-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

Why does it feel like life is taking so long? Maybe because every day seems exactly the same. Every week blends into every other week. Every month is the same as the previous months. I find myself reflecting on life in Philadelphia. I no longer consider it the hell hole I once thought it was. In fact, I look back on our time there longingly wishing we could be back. It's not necessarily the city I miss, although, I do miss it quite a bit. It was the life I was able to live out there. My sole purpose for nine months was to take care of my daughter and support my wife. I woke up in the mornings and watched cartoons with my kid. We asked the question together "What do you want to do today?" and the answers were always exciting. The zoo, the mall, the museums. Today I woke up, unsure of what day it actually was in my groggy morning haze and realized that it doesn't actually matter what day it is. I know I have to go to work, just like every other day. No one asks me what I want to do today for fun. I don't get to slowly wake up to Spongbob and my daughters request for juice. I get to be stuck in the I-5 construction with everyone else trying to simply drive my car to work, which seems so difficult when they won't let you drive on the road that gets you there. I don't mean to sound ungrateful about having a job. It's a great job as far as jobs go and the money I bring in is absolutely essential in maintaining an existence. I'm a grown up, this is what we do. But for nine wonderful months I lived the other side where I was the boss. I was the activities director for a 2 year old who adored me. I drew my comics and played video games in the evening. I had energy to walk for miles a day to see what the city offered around each corner. Now all I want to do at the end of a day is sit on the couch and watch tv with my wife because I'm exhausted. I know life at home with kids isn't all fun and games. It's a lot of work. A lot of work. I'm sure my brain has erased most of what was difficult about that life and replaced it with the flowers and sunshine that I now think back on. I remember out there not being happy as well. I remember thinking that I wanted a job so I could get out of the house alone sometimes. That I wanted to be a contributing member of society. That I would love to bring in money. Life is funny that way. Why can't I simply be happy with what I am doing currently, no matter what? Why can't I just find something inside myself that makes me happy and hang on to it? I love my family very much. I enjoy my time I get to spend with them. They make me genuinely happy...a lot. But it takes a lot of work, a lot of effort, a lot of yourself to live with other humans, to work with other humans, to be a human. I'm just feeling frazzled around the edges. I'm too young to be so worn out.

My New Car

2008-07-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

I have to preface this posting by saying two things. First, my wife is awesome. Second, it didn't cost what you think it costs. That having been said, I bought a new car. We sold my Honda Civic last year when we moved to Philadelphia and have been a one car family since then. In Philly, it worked out great because we could walk most everywhere we wanted to be. And it was great. Now that were back in our home and the city life is over we have been living with the one car. It's been nice getting a ride to work on a few days and spending that extra time with the wife and kids, but Laura will start school soon. We will need to be able to shuffle and juggle a bit more. Now I have done my research. I have looked into almost every type car that's available. I have been wheeling and dealing with car dealers via phone calls, emails, and drop ins. I have haggled my way to the best price of every car that I liked or thought I liked. Most the cars were going to be too much when you factored in the financing or options like, air conditioning. My brother told me about the GM Family pricing we get because my Grandfather worked for so long at a GM factory. I could get any GM new car for a huge price deduction and 0% financing. So, I looked at a few GM cars closer. The cheapest one that I could find that I liked was the Pontiac Solstice, in fact there was only one other car cheaper and it was a tiny little lego car. I know, it's a two seater sports car convertible. But seriously, with the rebate and the financing it was cheaper then any of the sedans I was looking at. I even drove a few sub compact cars. I couldn't stop thinking "This cars is a dream car, but still less expensive then the other more practical cars". I couldn't get over the two seater aspect as I have kids now. When it comes down to it I had a conversation with my wife. It's is impractical to have a two seater car, but this is the car that will take me to work, and take Laura to school. The monthly payment is what makes the most sense to us. And the gas millage is still 32 mph. Also, it was 200 dollars less to insure for some reason as well. So for all those family and friends who see my new car and think that we have overstretched our budget, or who think that we are being impractical or who think I am going through and early mid life crisis should know. It was cheaper, it's our commuter, it made sense. That being said....it's also a TRANSFORMER!

I Shot A Gun

2008-06-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

I am not a paranoid person. Let me rephrase that, I am not an overly paranoid person. Yes I believe the Illuminati is running the world. Yes I believe we are no longer being represented in our Government. Yes I believe that every person on the street is secretly broadcasting my exact location to the Secret Soviet Union. But I don't think this makes me paranoid. Okay, that last one kinda does. I have been listening to Coast to Coast AM for a few months now and have been hearing of the impending social outbreaks. The rising fuel cost is raising the food prices in the country. It's also becoming increasingly difficult for our Independent Truckers to deliver the pricey food to the stores thus becoming harder for us to buy the food. An economist on NPR said that the US is heading for food riots soon. These aren't going to be like the riots we've seen in the past where the downtown area of Los Angeles or Detroit are ransacked. These riots are going to occur in our neighborhoods. The economist advice to the host: Plant food in your backyard and buy a gun. I've done the first part. As I wait for my crop of chickens to grow (Just plant an egg right?) I've been contemplating the second part.
I've somehow lived my whole life without firing a gun. I had the thought, if I am to purchase a gun I should probably shoot one first. I gathered some some people I trust not to shoot me (Tony, Aaron and Christian) and headed out to the Elk Grove Gun Room. The man behind the counter was very helpful in taking our money and pointing to the rules. We decided to rent two different guns. A 9 mm Glock and a .38 revolver.
We put on our eye protection and ear protection, grabbed our targets, guns and ammo and headed into the shooting range. When we set foot in the range we noticed a man, alone, firing a large caliber weapon. Every time he shot the deafening concussion caused us all to jump. (I don't know about the rest of them, but I jumped with giddy excitement, not scared...) I took the Glock into the lane and stared at it for a moment before I realized I don't know how to put the bullet in the clip. Christian, being the one of us familiar with guns (ie. the only real man), loaded the clip. I slipped the clip into the gun, aimed it at the target downrange, pressed the button near the handle that slid the top into place and froze. I had the realization that I was holding a powerful, very lethal weapon. I assumed the stance that I've seen so many times on television cop shows and squeezed the trigger. The gun's report and the flash of the muzzle were followed by the sweet intoxicating smell of fireworks. (On a side note, ladies, if you want a man to fall in love with you, fireworks perfume.) I was surprised to find that the kick of the gun wasn't as bad as I had feared it would be. In fact, it felt pretty good. I squeezed off the other nine rounds and brought the target back. I was pleased with how well I did. A few shots hit the bulls eye and the rest were pretty close. I knew all that time playing Duck Hunt on the Nintendo wasn't for nothing! We took turns shooting the two guns. We shot a total of 150 rounds between us. I'm not sure which of the two guns I preferred. This experience is on my "Most Fun I've Ever Had" list. Not the top position, but on the list. And I'm pretty sure I can now say that I'm a man. Or at least one step closer to becoming one.
You can listen to a Robot read this to you here:

TPC Solutions: Gas Prices

2008-06-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

We at the think tank of The Primate Cage have decided to offer the world solutions to impending problems we all face. We have been watching the planet from our lofty perch and can no longer sit around and let the world suffer. We will call these segments TPC Solutions. This week we are going to tackle the issue of high gas prices. Not only will we tackle it, but we will put in a full nelson, give it a wedgie, a swirly and make it dance the truffle shuffle. I am sure you are all aware of the of price gas and it's ever increasing lunacy. People are becoming outraged as oil prices skyrocket. The controllers of the oil get richer and richer while the average person gets poorer and poorer. I hear quite often in this day and age of more fuel efficient vehicles. I think that this is a temporary solution. The oil we use today is a finite supply. Eventually, the car that can go 500 miles to the gallon will have nothing to put in it's tank rendering it useless. We as a people need an alternative. The Primate Cage has two. The first idea is to toss out the traditional car and replace it with Rickshaws. For those of you who don't know what a rickshaw is, it's a buggy that is pulled by a human. I know this doesn't seem like a viable solution, but hear me out. Instead of being pulled by your average human, I recommend using a super human, with bionic limbs or pumped full of steroids. Imagine cruising down the highway in an open air buggy being pulled at 75 mph by a super human with gigantic legs. Paradise. Except for the person pulling the buggy. Which leads me to my second idea. Nuclear cars. One simple nuclear engine can run a car for many hundreds of years without the need for refueling. The idea of nuclear technology on our roads may be scary to some of those who recall the events of Chernobyl, or 3 mile island or those crazy movies in the 50's where the nuclear radiated ant attacks the Nevada city. But I assure you it's is quite safe. Nuclear engines have been powering many of our proud Submarines for years with only one or two nuclear accidents. And look at the bright side, if you are rear ended and the engine does meltdown, you won't have to worry about getting a new car any time soon.

TPC Exposé : The Bob Ross Code

2008-06-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

During our extensive research for the previous Expose we have uncovered a riddle that may have a global impact.
After viewing many of the over 745 million paintings done by Bob Ross I began to notice small clues that lead me on a trail of intrigue and life changing discovery. The idea of hidden secrets in works of art by the great masters was brought to the publics mind by the book The Da Vinci Code. Having myself been a fan of the book (Not the movie) I have kept a keen eye out for the possibility for other such secrets locked in art. Why not look a little closer at the greatest artist of the twentieth century, Bob Ross? The first painting that caught my eye was this rather beautiful landscape entitled "At Dawn's Light"
Upon closer inspection you will find that Bob changed his signature to read "Horatio Magellan" Why would a master painter give credit for a beautiful snowy landscape to someone else? To give us a clue to a deeper secret. Let's continue.

This painting, one of my favorites hides a detail that is not usually found in Bob's other paintings. Closer inspection reveals that there is an old sail style vessel of some sort hiding amongst the happy bushes. Further research leads me to believe that this is the "Good Ship Guppy". Before I give away those secrets, let's continue.
This painting, another masterpiece shows a foggy ship sailing toward the viewer with a distressed young man at the ships bow. The figure rowing the vessel is not facing the painting but I can safely say, resembles Captain Crunch.
That's right. The illustrious Captain Crunch. Or Cap'n as he is referred to now. Why would Bob Ross, a master of art, be hiding images of Cap'n Crunch in his paintings? Here is the last of the Bob Ross Code paintings.I really wish I would have run across this one first as it would have saved me a lot of time researching the subject. What I have deduced from these paintings is this: Bob Ross has uncovered the simple fact that Captain "Horatio Magellan" Crunch was not an official Captain. That he was in fact only a lieutenant aboard The Good Ship Guppy. He was promoted in the early days of the cereal franchise because Lieutenant Crunch wasn't selling any boxes. It is still a mystery as to why Bob Ross was so vexed by this simple fact. A fact that Bob has taken to his Grave. And which leads me to believe, that I have wasted a lot of time.

TPC Exposé : Bob Ross

2008-05-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

This will be the first in new segment on The Primate Cage of hard hitting Exposé. An ongoing series meant to tackle the hard questions no one is asking.
My wife and I were having a typical deeply intellectual and thought provoking conversation about matters of great importance a few days ago and the question came up..."Where are all the paintings that Bob Ross painted during his show?"
The television program "The Joy of Painting" ran from 1983 to 1995 and was a staple of Public Television. On the show the Afroed Bob Ross painted an entire landscape painting in the half hour segments. During the twelve years the show was on the air I estimate that Bob painted roughly 45 million paintings. One can only assume it's taken Bob several years to attain the "Happy Tree" level of painting mastery that he had accomplished. We will estimate that in the off time from the show both in lifetime achievement and hobby painting Bob produced another 700 million paintings. This would make a combined total of about 745 million paintings.
We at TPC ask, "Where the fudge are those paintings?" We set out to find the answer. We speculated that there is somewhere a Bob Ross museum where there are miles and miles of corridors setup to display this staggeringly large collection. My wife assumed the were given away during the PBS beg-a-thons, probably with a nice tote bag with the PBS logo and a DVD of the best of Nova. The real answer? This simple line from Wikipedia sums it up.
"After his death, Bob Ross Incorporated donated most of his paintings to charities and public television stations."
A simple answer. But I don't think this ends here. What charities were these masterpieces going to? What did PBS do with the paintings? These questions we may never know the answers to. I assume some major art hoarder is hanging onto these gems in some private collection. Maybe they are hanging next to the "real" Mona Lisa and other stolen works of art. Never to be adored by mankind ever again. The human population will never be quite whole until these priceless works of art are put on a public display in a fine museum, or for sale in front of a large truck parked on a corner somewhere with oversize towels with pictures of Elvis or Tigers on them.
At least we can purchase one episode of The Joy of Painting on VHS for only $39.99 and relive the magic.

Another Tennis Update!

2008-05-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

This week has truly proven to be a remarkable week in the world of Tennis as the Summer 2008 Tennis Classic rages on. After the devastating loss earlier this week Tracy demanded a few changes. Now having proof that Tony is in fact a Giant Robot the judges allowed a few concession in the rules in Tracy's favor. The most important rule was a change of location. The lava courts they have been playing on, where the sun is a mere 50 feet from the surface of the court, is not their only option. On Thursday in an unprecedented change the game was played on an icy tundra. It's the same court ironically. The change that occurred was the time the games were played. Instead of 4:30 in the afternoon, they played at 5:00 in the morning. The cold proved too much for the Giant Robot Tony who called the match after only 3 short games claiming he could not feel his limbs.
Tracy, being the gracious player that he is, spoke with the judges and had this match declared a "practice match" instead of a forfeit. Tracy's fanbase was stunned at this announcement as he is currently trailing in games. "I want to win fair and square. I know Tony wouldn't have done the same for me if I needed to bow out, but that's no reason to be a bad sport about it." Tracy said even though his side of the court was underwater. We would also like to point out that Tracy was winning 3-0 at the time of the "Bow Out".
Tony had some of his circuits swapped out for cold weather gear and the players took the court again this morning at 5:00. Tracy quickly took the lead in the games as Tony's vision program was slow to come online. After the first 6 games Tracy was winning 4-2. Tony then came back to tie the games at 4 each. Tracy then took an aggressive stance and won the match 6-4. This brings the game count to 3-2 in favor of Tony.
On a side note we at The Primate Cage would like to report on a comment made on Tony's blog. He stated on May 19th "Tony traveled back in time earlier this month to complete a victorious tenth win to conclude the 2007 summer series." This is true. Tony and Tracy did go back in time to complete the 2007 Summer series. What he failed to mention is the fact that he shot Tracy in the knee cap shortly before the match. Tracy, being the sportsman he is, played on anyway and only ended up loosing by a very small margin. We chose not to mention this game in protest to the injury of our favorite player.

Tennis Update

2008-05-21T11:36:00.000-07:00

Another game of Tennis in the controversial Summer 2008 Tennis Classic was played yesterday. It is this reporters opinion that Tracy was in rare form. He made some incredible, physics defying shots but was unable to overcome Tony's blatant cheating. Tracy ended up loosing 6-2. We sat down with Tracy and would like to share this interview.

The Primate Cage (TPC): Thank you for sitting down with us.
Tracy: You're welcome. Big fan of the blog. I am always impressed with the shear amount of truth I read there.
TPC: Well thank you. We try and give the most truthiest truth we can. Let's talk about the match yesterday. What happened? Why the huge loss?
Tracy: The first thing you need to understand is that Tony is a huge cheater.
TPC: Oh, well, I thought that was common knowledge.
Tracy: Right. Well it seems that Tony has been able to somehow create a weather machine. During the game the wind would blow in such a suspicious way. There is no way that was a natural wind. It literally would hold my ball in mid air, and then drop it into my side of the net. Or blow the ball out of bounds when it should have hit the middle of the court. There is no way it was real.
TPC: We noticed that.
Tracy: Not only that. This happened last year too, but Tony would constantly drink from some sort of bottle after every match. I've asked several times for the officials to examine the fluid but they are afraid of the cursing and the threats Tony offers everytime they get close.
TPC: What do you think it is?
Tracy: Go Girl Engery Drink mixed with Gasoline.
TPC: Gasoline?
Tracy: That's right. Tony is a robot. I have proof! He is a Soviet Mecha Tennis Playing Robot created for the 1984 Olympics. As we all know, they didn't show up for those Olympics because the Giant Robot Tennis Players were banned. One of those Robots gained sentience and started calling him self "Tony".
TPC: So you're saying he is a banned giant robot?
Tracy: Yes.
TPC: Woah.
Tracy: Totally.
TPC: This is truly a David and Goliath story.
Tracy: Yeah, except David lost in this one.
TPC: Oh, right.

You heard it here first folks. Tony may be a giant mecha robot designed to play tennis. This however may not be illegal in the Summer 2008 Tennis Classic. Time will tell.
One last note. Please disregard the lies and rumor mill coming from the Tony Camp blog.

Summer 2008 Tennis Classic Has Begun!

2008-05-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

One of the most anticipated events our world has ever beheld has begun. The Summer 2008 Tennis Classic. Clash of the Titans as some have called it, began when Tracy Constantine and Tony Caston stepped back into the (now famous) Tennis court where the epic battles took place last year. We at The Primate Cage have decided to devote our reporting to the obviously superior Tracy's side of the match.
This news flash is a few weeks late as the battle has already begun. The first two matches went to Tony. This is due to the fact that cheating had, at this point, not been outlawed. Tony, who if you recall was busted last year for his use of performance enhancing Go Girl energy drink, came prepared with a tank of "Mysteriously Pink Fluid" from which he was taking regular drinks. When the officials attempted to inspect the fluid Tony would growl and throw large rocks at the judges. Being too frightened to continue their efforts to inspect, they deemed it a harmless pink water. The Tracy camp however suspects it's the very same Go Girl energy drink that caused such a controversy last year. The jury is still out on wither or not the first two matches will even count.
The most noteworthy news however was the last match. After being down 3-5, Tracy was able to summon other-worldly courage and stamina to tie the match 6-6 causing an epic throw down tie breaker match. Tracy's perseverance held out as he managed to win 7-5. The Tony supporters, who are in this reporters opinion, soft in the head and cannot recognize and obviously superior force, almost tore the courts apart in their riotous indignation. Tony quickly left the court and headed home. There are reports right now that this loss has caused him to become physically ill to the point of missing a Mother's Day celebration party at his "In-Law's" house. It is unclear at this time as to wither he was simply "Frightened" or "To Cowardly" to attend as he knew that Tracy would be there as well.
The next match is scheduled for Tuesday. So stay tuned for more news from Tracy's Camp at The Primate Cage!
UPDATE! It appears that Tony has started to blog about the matches too. You can see for yourself how deceptive he is here: http://phattonyssillyblog.blogspot.com/

Paroled

2008-04-22T19:12:00.000-07:00

It's true. My family and I are returning home to our house in Elk Grove. Our sentence is up for our stay in Philadelphia and we will once again breath the free (although smoggy and allergen riddled) air of California. Now that we're leaving I have some mixed emotions. I am very happy to go home to be around family and friends again. I am also really looking forward to an income. There are going to be a lot of things I'm going to miss about our stay out here in the East. I will miss spending so much time with my daughter. I will miss the freedom of planning my day around what I feel like doing. I will miss...well, I think that's really it. We are leaving at a good time of the year. The sun has been out, the weather warmer, the birds flying, the jerks a plenty. I've been running into a lot of jerks in my travels as of late. I think it's because I'm actually getting out more, not that the jerk population has increased. It stays, according to the statistics, at a fairly steady 90% jerk level. Let me give you an example. As I walk around with my incredibly cute and pleasant daughter, either walking next to me or in a stroller, people give extremely dirty looks to us. As if to scream to the world "A kid! What on Earth is a kid doing here! My day is ruined!" I am not making this up. I have been wanting to actually ask someone why they are giving such disgruntled looks at my kid, but have thought that I don't particularly feel like being stabbed or bludgeoned. Going to the local drug store is also quite the chore. The words "Customer Service" don't exist out here for some reason. The people behind the counter treat you in such a way as to say "I am really put out by the fact that you actually want to buy something. I would rather just stand here and angrily stare off into space then help you. Maybe if I treat you with contempt you will never come back and I will get to stand here a little longer next time." I actually ran into a very nice person today at the Post Office of all places. I'm sure that once I left her window, a bag was placed on her head as she was forced out from behind the desk and into a chair in a back windowless room and re-indoctrinated into the "We aren't supposed to help anyone" school of thinking with a little "How to give the stink eye" lessons for good measure.
I am afraid however that a bit of the jerkiness has rubbed of on me. I notice that I honk a lot more out of frustration as I drive now. And I'll be damned if I'm letting anyone get in front of my car in a line!!! In fact I make sure that some of the molecules of my bumper are touching the molecules of the bumper in front of me just to make sure. And if you try and make eye contact with me to plead your case you can forget that brother! Take your sorry excuse someplace else! Woah...I'm sorry. I got carried away there. As you can see I'll need a little bit of help regaining the calm personality that you Californians are so famous for. You can't help but feel the pressure to become a jerk out here. At first I thought it spread like a virus like that movie Outbreak. Or it was simply a result of others jerky mood effecting your own, like some kind of "Pay it Forward: Jerk Style". But I think now I've discovered it has more to do with the weather. The weather is only nice for two days of the year. The rest of the time it's a humid wasteland. Either super hot and humid. Or super cold and humid. Your brain does funny things when you've had to unstick your shirt from your back for the fortieth time in one day. And let's not talk about what happens to us men.
I'm not trying to make a case for being jerky, nor am I trying to say that there aren't some very lovely people out here. We have met a lot of those 10% nice people that are running around here (mostly from other states). It's been the only way we've managed to make it the entire time.
As we leave this week, we will reflect on our time spent "back east". And as time goes on we will think fondly of our stay in Philadelphia. And we will remember, that we beat it out of there just in time.
So long Philadelphia.

War, What is it Good For?

2008-04-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

I've been watching Band of Brothers lately. That is one excellent series. It's quite bloody and very realistic, so you squeamish shouldn't watch it...or fight in any wars, if you can help it.
Living on a University campus, like I do, you see a lot of Anti-War slogans everywhere. I saw one today on my walk that said "War What is it Good for? Absolutely Nothing!" It's got me thinking about War a bit. "War, what is it good for?.." well, let me see...the American Revolution created America. The Civil War freed the slaves (and made sure that the southern accent remained in the South where it belongs). World War I, got revenge for the Arch Duke Ferdinand, something else I'm sure, but I don't recall and am too tired to look it up. World War II, stopped Hitler's insane march across the World, ended the holocaust and provided the Video Game industry with an entire genre to pull from. The Korean War, gave us M.A.S.H. Vietnam, maybe we'll leave this one out. As you can see there are reasons for war. I'm not saying that the Iraq war is good or bad, but to oppose all war all together is ridiculous. If we all could live in peace with one another all the time, I'm absolutely going to sign up for that...but we don't. There are crazy people in the world looking to blow others up for some reason or another and sometimes people have to fight those people. War is the means for a people to stop oppression, protect themselves and others...and a few other things that I can't think of right now cause it's late.
I didn't mean to turn the Primate Cage (which I have started referring to as simply "The Cage") into a serious place for me to post, but hey, it's my blog...love it or leave it! I just re-read this post. I really thought I was going to post something serious here...I guess it's physically impossible for me to write about anything without putting some jokes in. Joking about War isn't very sensitive...but I don't really care. If you want sensitivity, go here: Sensitive Blog

The Ramblings of an Incoherent Mind

2008-04-02T10:03:00.000-07:00

My mind has broken over the complexity of moving my small family home. The details that need to be taken care of are vast and all encompassing. Like what day I leave, what day our stuff leaves, what day the car leaves, what day my wife leaves, what day the dog leaves, what day our stuff gets there, what day I start working, what day the 4th of July is on. Well that last one doesn't really matter, but I like every other red white and blue blooded American thinks about that all the time. My start date for work has changed a few times and I believe now it's resting solid at May 5th. This works out well for me and my family so I hope it stays there. So that being said, the day I actually come home is now April 27th. It's a Sunday, and should go down in your hearts and livers as one of the most special days of the year, like Guy Fawkes day.

Moving Home

2008-03-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well, our sentence is up. We are moving back to Elk Grove into our house. I got my old job back and start working on the 21st of April. My plane will be landing in Sacramento on April 20th. We are all excited to be coming home very soon but not, I'm sure, as excited you all are to have us back. I'm sure that our coming home will bring your lives some meaning once again. You don't have long to wait!
There have been some changes to our family since we left last August. For instance, most importantly, we are expecting our second child. Also, we now have heavy East Coast accents and will refer to most people as Yous instead of You. I lost a ton of weight, and then found it again in a box of donuts. I also have lost my California driving mannerisms and have adopted a more aggressive East Coast driving mannerism. This means a lot more yelling, honking and overall jerkiness. Probably the most noticeable change is that our skin has become translucent due to the fact we haven't seem much of the sun this winter.
Only three weeks left from the time of this post until we are pardoned from our stay out here and return in triumph (unless we can't find a triumph, then we'll just choose a honda) to Sunny California! And to all you loyal readers and my loyal rival Tony get ready for the 2008 Spring Tennis Classic!

The Primate Cage is Two!

2008-03-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

I just realized that the Primate Cage Blog has turned two this month. They grow up so fast! It told me that you can just send cash to me in lieu of presents. I'll scan the money in and email it to the blog. I hope you all have had a good time reading this blog and learning about what's going on in my head. In the last two years we've seen some of what I assume can only be described as the most important news and commentary the world has ever seen, ever...except for the Scriptures, and some episodes of Knight Rider. I've shared with the world my insights into my travels, tennis matches, and general life. We've shared some laughs, some tears and some great times. Why don't you take a few hours right now and go to the archives and re-read the entire blog. I'll wait...
Done? Good, Thanks to all those who read and leave comments on my blog. It helps me to know there are people out there who are as interested in me as I am. And I guess to those people who read and don't leave comments too. Feel free to keep freeloading on the site, slackers.
For fun, I thought I'd share a post I wrote two years ago. My predictions for the future. Enjoy.

"My Predictions for the Future by Tracy Constantine written in March 2006. In the year 2008 human kind will have been overthrown by a race of highly advanced Mole People who have been living just under the surface of the planets crust. I for one welcome these Mole People and would like to say, if you need anyone to run France, I'm your man. The End."

As you can see, I was eerily correct. Well, here's to another two glorious years on the Primate Cage!

I'm Teaching Myself to Paint

2008-03-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

On the computer that is. I've had a tablet computer for a while now but have never been able to get the pressure sensitivity tools to work in Photoshop. Wacom released a new driver and viola it works. I am now able to paint in Photoshop! Here is my first lesson. This is a drawing I did earlier, I'll post the side by side comparisons. My Normal way, then my Painted way.

My Trip to New York

2008-03-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

I went to New York City over my wifes Spring Break. It was very exciting to see the New York Skyline out of the window on our journey into the city, especially because out the other window was Newark, New Jersey. We drove into the city through the Lincoln tunnel. We timed it right because I hear during rush hour it's called the Lincoln parking lot. Once on the other side you enter New York city. That's when the bumper car ride starts. I don't know how they teach people to drive in New York, but when I learned I was taught to drive defensively. In New York I'm pretty sure they are taught that every other car in their line of sight has no right to occupy any space in the universe. That ideal is demonstrated when they drive their car as fast as they can straight at you and then slamming on the breaks to come to rest within mere atoms of your car. And then yell and honk at you for simply being right where they want to be, even if they ran a red light and killed several pedestrians to get there. We only had to travel 2 miles from the Lincoln tunnel to our hotel. I spent the entire car trip actively scanning for ballistic vehicles trying to kill us as well as trying to navigate the many one way streets all the time uttering the first half of a few swear words under my breath. When we finally got to the parking garage for the hotel we were asked to leave our car and the keys with the parking attendant. Upon doing so I was pretty sure we would never see our car again. (Fortunately we did. All in one piece.)
We stayed at a nice hotel in Korea Town. Not because we were at all excited about Korea Town, but it was adjacent to the Empire State Building and 2 blocks away from Times Square. Once we were settled in it was off to see the sites! We walked the few blocks into Times Square and were immediately assaulted by advertisements. I expected this from all the pictures and movies taken in Time Square. But I don't think any picture or movie can convey the massiveness of billboards and lights. Everywhere you looked you could see nothing but signs for plays, television shows, coke, Chevy, movies, shops and everything else you can imagine. It was pretty much a sensory overload. Add to that about 300 million people all walking as fast as they can straight into each other. After walking around for some time we decided to take a break from the billboards by getting dinner in a near by Olive Garden. When we got to our seat we found our view to be, more billboards.
After dinner we walked to the Hersey store. Earlier this year we went to Hersey Pennsylvania to see where the Candy comes from. It was a very big disappointment. Yes there was candy there. But it was not unlike going down the candy isle in your local grocery store but on a larger scale. Kinda like Ikea for Candy stores. I expected a lot more out of the place. In fact I expected it to be a lot more like the Hersey store in New York. This store was more like Candy and Disneyland. It was very cool.

We called it a night after that and went back to our hotel. The next day we walked back to Times Square and hoped on the Gray Line Tour bus. It is a double decker bus that runs several tours around New York City. It has a "Hop On Hop Off" feature which lets you get off the bus to see any of the sites closer up. This was a great feature for stops like The Empire State Building or the Statue of Liberty, but not so great a feature for stops like Hells Kitchen or the creepy parts of Central Park (Pretty much the whole park). We started our tour of the downtown area of New York. This took us from Times Square down to the Statue of Liberty, where we got off, then back up to Times Square. The tour lady pointed out many exciting points of interest...to her. Like, her building, where her kids went to school, where the episode of Law and Order she was on was filmed, including what Jerry Orbach is like. I have to admit, this was the best way to see the city. Being so high above the street in the upper deck was a good way to feel separated from the hustle and bustle of the city, except for the many many moments spent thinking there is now way this bus is going to fit into that gap in traffic, or I'm pretty sure we're going to hit that group of people. It took about 2 hours to drive around in the bus seeing the sites including many tall buildings that have some sort of historical importance, Ground Zero, and the bar where Steve McQueen used to work. We got off the bus at Battery Park where you catch the ferry to the Statue of Liberty. We decided the name Battery Park is a horrible name, but it fits that park because you can easily imagine someone committing battery in the park. We decided we didn't feel safe, or feel like standing in the 200 hour line to see the statue and decided that since we could see it from the shore we were on, that was good enough for us. Later in the afternoon someone was killed in Battery park (we heard it on the news latter that evening). We took the bus back up to the Empire State Building, where our hotel was. Our bus tour came with tickets to the observation deck of the Empire State Building so we decided to take in the view.

This building is an iconic sight for New York. It is the tallest building in the city. I was not impressed. The line you get into to see the building wasn't long, but it did wind around about 4 thousand velvet ropes and through about a dozen rooms. A few of the rooms were under construction and looked horrible. The entire trip up to the top takes you past several people trying to profit on your being stuck in a line. They try to sell you popcorn first, then an upgraded observation deck view, then a map of new york, then a audio device to give you an audio tour, which I'm pretty sure would be the thick accented voice of a Brooklyn resident pointing our interesting things you can see from the roof. "Over 'dere is Queens, dat's Brooklyn, dat's the Bronks, youze can get a (expletive removed) nice pie at my cousin Vinnies Pizza joint which youze can see if you look straight down." Two elevators later we were at the top and gazed the grandness of one of the largest Cities. The view was breath taking. It was a lot like playing Sim City. We found a building that looked like the building used in Ghostbusters. When we were discussing wither or not it was, smoke started biloing from the roof of the building in question. I'm pretty sure Gozer the Gozarian was about to show up, so we split.

We ended our day and decided we would cut our trip short. The next day we got up early and hit the bus again for a trip up to the upper part of the city including, Harlem, Columbia University, The fancy smanshy condos and apartments overlooking the Park, including the very spot John Lennon was killed. Our tour guide this time pointed out all the famous people's apartments as well as giving us a breakdown of rent prices and the concept of Rent Control. Saw very many New York landmarks, like The Apollo theater, the Guggenheim building as well as a few other museums. We decided not to stop and check any of them out. At this point we had decided that we did not in fact "Heart" New York and were anxious to get back to the hotel and out of the city. This tour was also two hours and we got off at the 5th avenue side of Central Park so we could take our daughter to the FAO Schwartz store. I must admit, it was Awesome! They had so many toys there it was like a Kid in a Candy Store...or I guess you put that kid in a toy store and get the same effect, also you could replace kid with me and...well you get it. It was incredible. I really wish at this point that I had some kind of an income. There were too many great and wonderful things to see including a HUGE stuffed dragon that no one not living in a mansion could fit in their homes. Seriously, this thing was about 20 feet tall. We looked in the store for about an hour, then packed up our junk and went home.

To sum up our trip, we saw New York. We saw the sights and the people. And they can keep it.

Star Wars in Philadelphia

2008-02-12T07:51:00.001-08:00

It's true. The Franklin Institute (The place I barfed last week) has obtained props from all the Star Wars movies from Lucasfilm and are showing them off like they are better then us. And, I admit, they are. Those of you who know me perhaps know that I am a mild Star Wars fan. Upon walking into the display room my heart stopped short. That may have been because I had bacon wrapped in sticks of butter for breakfast.

When you walk into the display room you are greeted by this model of an XWing Fighter. I don't actually recall this particular ship being in any Star Wars movie. Perhaps it was from Star Track instead. In fact, I think I recall seeing Captain Clark driving one of these around to impress a green skinned woman on one episode. I may be wrong.

Now this I recall in the first episode of Star Wars. Luke Skywalker and his old buddy Ben used to hang out and cruise the streets of Mos Espa trying to pick up chicks. If memory serves, someone tricked Luke by stealing it and having it sent to the show Pimp my Landspeeder.

This cuddly guy is from the Ice Planet Hoth where Luke Han and the gang learned the true meaning of Christmas. They all came across this guy, the abominable snowman, who had a cave filled with presents. They all sang songs and melted his cold heart and taught him how to love again.

This guy was also from Hoth. I think he was the Ice Waiter aboard the Love Boat.

This was the mode of travel on Hoth. I think this little guy was the Fonz.

This is the cocktail dress worn by Princes Leia. She is standing by her robot and love interest R2-D2.

This robot is called an AT-AT. It was designed by an Imperial designer who really had no idea how to design a troop transport. When your civilization has Anti-Gravity, why would you build a slow walking transport with obviously weak wobbly legs? I agree they look very cool, but they would have crushed the rebellion on Hoth if they simply drove in to the base in some snow Hummers.

Here I am with Darth Vader. He was known through out the galaxy as the tyrant right hand man of the evil Emperor Palpatine. He was also known for his lovely singing voice. I have grown tired of writing, but have more pictures, so here they are!

Un-Patriotic

2008-02-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

I am concerned with my own lack of patriotism. Until the other day I would never have questioned my undying devotion to the American Way and my admiration for the founding fathers who created this freedom we all enjoy. The reason for the self doubt is this...I threw up on a statue of Benjamin Franklin. This is not a joke. I was on my weekly visit to the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. I passed through the "Shrine To Ben Franklin" area with the large marble statue when I had an uncontrollable urge to vomit. And I did. All over the marble floor and onto the dais that supports our founding father Ben Franklin. All of this right in front of the old lady who sits at the information desk counter. She walked over to me as I rummaged through my bag to find anything I could use to wipe up the hot sick mess. I was told that someone else would be cleaning it up and that I should simply leave. Which I did, as fast as I could. Now the question is, do I ever go back there? I think I will. They have a Star Wars exhibit there next week. Maybe I can barf on an Ewok.

The Gun Fighter's Life Comic

2008-01-06T06:13:00.000-08:00

I've been working on a complete rewrite, and unfortunately that means a complete re draw! So here are the first 11 pages. My intention is to completely pencil in the first 50 pages, so I can write the pages more close together. The first 50 pages will be book 1. My plan is for 7 books total. Let me know what you think. Click the picture for a bigger version.

The Suprise Ending for the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic

2007-10-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

I realize I have not put this post up, so here it is!

After what seemed like an eternity of tennis playing this summer, the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic has come to an end. A disappointing end. A tie. The game finished tied at 9 each.
Tracy was quoted after the match saying "What is this soccer!? I mean, come on! Even I'm let down." Tony said "Yeah, I really don't care. At least I didn't loose." Tracy replied "Oh you're a looser alright! A 60 foot tall looser! Who's addicted to Go-Girl energy beverage!"
Tony rebutted with a punch to Tracy's stomach. "I see your point." Tracy wheezed. Tony then challenged Tracy to a tie breaker match. Tracy accepted. The fans cheered. The heavens opened and a choir of angels sung in rejoice! The hours and days past. Time was almost at a stand still as the world waited for the match to end all matches. The winner takes all, to the death, end game for the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic. The day of the match came, and was canceled. Tracy sustained a season ending eyeball injury at a family function. Tracy said "Look, I don't want to point fingers at who did this, but her initials are SARAH JANE THOMAS!". That is correct...Tony's sister in law. She poked Tracy in the eye and claimed it was an accident. Tracy instantly accused her of making him forfeit the match as he blinked stupidly with his watery, wounded eyeball. Tony then pointed out that she was also Tracy's sister in law, which is true. This reporter speculates that Sarah had her own agenda for the devastating eyeball attack. The world may never know why she did it. We'll have to chock it up to one of the worlds great mysteries, like Stonehenge, or Big Foot, or who exactly is it that's buying all the disgusting Miracle Whip?
The Summer 2007 Tennis Classic has been officially closed. Tracy and Tony have eluded to the possibility of a future grudge match later this year. They have made it perfectly clear that their are no promises. "I'm hesitant to schedule the match. You never know if SJT is lurking around the corner ready to gouge out my other eye." Tracy said. "You pansy." Tony replied. This reporter is looking forward to a rematch, which is sure to happen someday. Until then, This has been Guy Reportertron with the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic.

The Pirate's Life.com is Back Online!

2007-10-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

Just a little note to say that the Pirate's Life web site is back online and better than ever. Feel free to poke around and click on stuff and junk.

Tracy aka Captain William

http://www.pirates-life.com

My New Sketch Book Blog

2007-10-13T07:17:00.000-07:00

I decided to keep a sketch book blog...here it is http://tracysketches.blogspot.com/

Philadelphia Adventure 10.11.07

2007-10-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a few months ago...I didn't post because I thought it was a little harsh. I re-read it and thought it was funny, although, it no longer really applies because the fine people here at Domus have pretty much solved most of the noise issues we've had.

My lovely new Domus apartment is loud. I don't mean 1970's style olive green shag carpet and sea shell decorations. I mean I can't sleep at night due to all the noise. It's getting ludicrous. On average I'm getting about 10 hours of sleep a week. That's right a week! I am getting to the point of sheer exhaustion. Hang on, my keyboard just turned into a pile of snakes...oh, and I'm hallucinating now as well. (Don't worry Mom, I'm not really hallucinating...yet.) As I lay awake in the wee hours of the morning listening to the constant metal thumping sound of the trash compactor directly below our apartment as it makes it's dull thud every 20 seconds and lasts for hours at a time, I think to myself "It's not that loud, just go to sleep." Yet I can't stop listening. It's like some form of maddening torture. I imagine at Guantanamo bay in the not so secret CIA prison some inmate is being held in a swanky apartment and every time he tries to fall asleep, they turn on the machine. I imagine this machine is fondly called the "Thumping Sound of Madness." After one or two nights of this,the prisoner will gladly spill the beans on whatever they are asked, just as long as they turn off the machine! I feel like calling the front desk of our place just to tell them I'm ready to talk! But they don't ask any questions!
If that were the only sound, I think I could handle it. But it's not. Our apartment is located in the worst possible location in the building. We are right off the elevators, so when people come home at 2 am being loud, we can hear it. We are right next to the loading dock, so when they open and close the giant garage doors, we hear it. Especially when they decide to let someone move in what must be elephants and loaded hair triggered shotguns at 11 o'clock at night until 1 am. Being so conveniently located next to the loading dock, we also get to have the giant big rig trucks park right next to our windows while they yell to other people "Hey Youz! Gettoutahere!" at 5 in the morning. Or like on several occasions, urinate right out side our window. Or go through the big garbage bin rummaging as loud as they can at all hours of the night for who knows what. It must be their misplaced Diamond collection for how fervently they rummage. We are also right next to the garbage chute which runs the entire 8 floors of the building. I don't know what it is about the rich people here at Domus, but they love to toss their garbage between midnight and 4 am. And we hear it as it clunks and clangs all the way down the chute, which is also (lucky us) our walls. That isn't a soft maddening noise. It's a loud "What on earth was that!" noise. The first few times it happened we awoke with a start and did the "Someone must be in the apartment hitting our stuff with a metal bat" walk around the place until we discovered what it actually was. Also, the brick building right out side our window is the subway, which runs all night long. It sounds like a great rushing fast moving train that can be heard loud and clear from our home. We are also right next to a few hospitals, so the constant sirens blaring at all hours of the night is also quite disturbing. And to top it all off, we have the worlds loudest "Air Conditioner Condensation Pump" which is located right next to our daughters bed room. It sounds like an industrial strength vacuum cleaner being turned on suddenly and lasts for about 10 seconds, which is enough time for it to wake our kid and bug the living crap out of us. We have had the Domus experts looking at it to see if there is any way it can be silenced. The response was "Turn your air conditioner way down so it's cold and doesn't have condensation." To do this, we would have to freeze out our unit costing us tons of money, and we would all have constant colds. No thanks.
All of these issues combine into one giant mess for me. No sleep. On top of it all, we are paying 3000 bucks a month to get no sleep. If they reduced our rent...a lot...I think I could sleep better. Part of me just freaks out in the middle of the night as I lay there listening to all the sounds thinking "I'm paying so much money for THIS (insert cuss words)!" I'm almost certain it would be more peaceful if our apartment was situated directly over an Indian burial ground instead of where it is. Then all we would have to deal with are those pesky ghosts.

New Page from The War

2007-10-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

Here is the last page for a while. These six pages make it complete to submit to the major comic book companies. I hope you like it. Thanks all for the nice comments on my previous post. It means a lot.

Tracy

First Five Pages of My New Comic "The War"

2007-10-05T14:14:00.001-07:00

Warning! This is not a joke! These are the first five pages of my new comic called the war. Let me know what you think.

Tracy

Philadelphia Adventure Update 10-03-07

2007-10-03T09:47:00.000-07:00

I realize I have been neglecting my Blogular duties as of late. I am trying to make up for it with an extra long post, so read on if you like, or ignore it and get on with your life. Here we go!
I would first like to state that I have not let our fancy new lifestyle and living with the fabulously wealthy change me at all. I am the same old Tracy Constantine that I was back in Elk Grove. Of course Laura reminded me this morning that I do introduce myself by the name Professor Pennypacker when I'm around people from our new place. Here is a picture of what I look like now, just to prove there hasn't been any changes.
Now that we got that out of the way, let's continue shall we? I took some photos on my walk around the University of Pennsylvania campus a few days ago. The school was founded in the 1700's by a man named Ben Franklin. There are a few statues of him around the campus, like classic Captain Kirk in Chair pose at the start of the blog post. I am truly impressed with this campus and how much it looks like Mr. Toads wild ride at Disneyland. Here are some pictures of the classic architecture. This campus just oozes fancy shmancyness at every corner. I am quite impressed. There are several people walking around talking on cell phones congratulating themselves at how awesomely rich they are all day long. This University is indeed a Rich Person factory. I assume they have a required course on caviar consumption and how to speak to the "Help".
I then found this statue. It seems like your every day run of the mill statue of a very important professor. That is until you look closer. If you'll take notice of his left foot. He is standing on a bat/snake demon thingy. I am not making this up. Here is a closer picture. I asked a very important looking man as he walked by what the deal was with the demon thing. His answer was exactly this "Hmm. I've never noticed that before. That's weird."
I then took a closer look at his face. It has the unmistakable expression of "Oh My Gosh, I think I just stepped in something awful" look. I have no idea what kind of symbolism this bat demon could be. Unless this professor conquered his demons? Like alcoholism, or gambling, or earning too many diplomas. Or perhaps it's a quite literal representation of when this man single footadly stomped these unholy bat demons out of existence. I suppose we may never know. Unless I were to Google it...but I don't have that kind of time!
Moving on. My daughter and I went to the UPenn museum of very old slightly damaged goods. It turned out to be quite dull. Except for a few highlights. Like these...
This guy wins the award for the best mustache of any of the former presidents of this museum. The closest runner up was a woman...Then we move on to this very cool crystal ball on top of a dragon. I looked into it and saw the future. Only about 20 minutes into the future, which isn't really very helpful. Maybe that's why it's here instead of in use somewhere.
Then there was the Egypt wing. It was pretty cool. Especially the MUMMY room! There were actual mummy's in there, which is a bit creepy. I bet when the Egyptian Priests were preparing the bodies for mummification they weren't expecting the final mummy's to be laid to an eternal rest in a Museum in Philadelphia. I found this skull to be particularly interesting. It had no markings or descriptions. It was simply a skull sitting with a plate and a book. I am assuming that his name was something very Egyptian, like Carl...and that we was reading a book and eating dinner when suddenly, he choked to death. His final wish was to have his head removed and sent to Philadelphia to rest in a museum. That's what I think anyway.
Then we move on to this guy. The only thing cool about this statue was that it confirmed my belief that the Romans had very cool hair.
The last cool thing about the museum was a bunch of gold coins from the Constantine empire days. I tried to explain to the guard why the coins should belong to me as my last name is Constantine. I even went as far as to say that I was sent here from the past to collect the coins for my Dad, the Emperor Constantine. The guard was busy on her cell phone so I simply moved on.
Which brings us to our last stop. The University of Pennsylvania stadium. You may not think that it is very significant. It's just an ordinary stadium where a very mediocre team plays football. You see that's where you are wrong. I explained before, this school was founded by Ben Franklin. At this very stadium Ben Franklin fought Thomas Jefferson in a gladiator match. Here is what I think it may have looked like.

I hope you have enjoyed this super sized edition of the Philadelphia Adventure! Stay Tuned for more!

Tracy

Independence Hall Part Deux

2007-10-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

Laura's Aunt and Uncle Suzy and Stoney came out to visit us in Philadelphia a couple of weekends ago and we all went to Independence Hall. I am just now getting to the blog about it! The picture of our group is purposely missing our daughter. I don't want pictures of her on my blog for safety reasons. If you are family and would like to see the ones with her in them, let me know and I'll think about your individual security clearance status.
On to Independence! We actually made it in the building this time! I must say it was quite awe inspiring to stand in the same room that our fore fathers secretly planned the rebellion from England. I felt so inspired by their actions that I planed a rebellion from our tour group. I, unlike George Washington, could not get the rest of the tourists to unite for the greater tour good. It mostly consisted of me yelling things like "Give me liberty and get me a soda!" in the back of the group while people tried their best to hear the tour guide. It turns out that our tour guide was very knowledgeable and personable, so I can understand why no one followed me to freedom. I learned a valuable lesson on independence that day. I didn't write it down however and quickly forgot it. "Oh well", I sometimes think to myself when I strain to recall the lesson. Maybe next time I'll write it down, in big bold letters like my favorite declaration of independence signer, Herbie Hancock.
A very neat observation I did happen to hear is that the building was 60% original materials. I hope this part in this picture wasn't, because I accidentally hit it with the stroller, breaking it.
Standing in that very room I could almost feel the presence of some of the greatest men this country has ever seen. I could feel the hard wood floor beneath my feet, see the light as it poured into the room from the windows. Feel the same hot sticky air that hung in the air. Then I remembered all the layers of clothing they had to wear, and the aparent lack of bathing and deodorant...I could then almost smell the body odor (or it was the "Out of Town" couple standing next to me) and became overcome with a feeling of wanting to really get out of there.
If you happen to come to Philadelphia on a Cheese Steak excursion, don't miss Independence Hall. They serve very fine Cheese Steaks.

Philadelphia Adventure - The Domus Party

2007-09-20T18:44:00.000-07:00

The swankiest place in Philadelphia, the Domus, had their Grand Opening party this evening. Laura and I merited an invite. I can only assume it's because we already live here. I took a few photos and have a few comments to make so let's begin!
Outside, in the courtyard entrance, the usual nice garden area was transformed into a very nice garden area, complete with some very fancy obviously rich people. One of the fanciest things was the Valet parking. At first I thought, "Wow, that's very high class." until I realized there is absolutely nowhere to park around this place. I took my dog Sasha and my daughter on a quick walk before the nuttiness of the party started. Sasha had an encounter with another dog right out front with a lot of barking and chaos. My daughter gleefully yelling "Doggies!" as I tried to struggle with the stroller and the freakishly strong dog. Larry and Kevin two of the concierges quickly took action and helped me get the gang inside. So in other words, I started of my party experience on a high note.
This is Larry. He is crazy good at his job. He knows my name, my apartment number, my kids name and my dogs name. It's good that he is the Face of Domus, because he does it well. And I'm not just saying this because the staff at Domus are now reading my blog...

Pause--I realized this isn't very funny so I'll try to step it up.--Unpause.

I started the party out in the Ice Cream room. Yes you heard me right. The Ice Cream Room. And not just Ice Cream. Super fancy, best Ice Cream ever Ice Cream. The toppings were plentiful and outstanding. I had the solid gold nuggets as a topping.
I then popped into the show room where I was introduced to the massive amounts of alcohol they were offering to the guests. Not being a drinker myself I was happy to see that there was a plenty amount of soda available. The person behind the counter didn't think it was very funny when I asked him which is the best soda to go with fish. Those wine people are kinda snobby.
I then went around the pool area where there was a live band and some dancers gyrating and a whole lot of drunk people swaying to the music. There were a few people doing what I'm sure they would refer to as dancing. It reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry described Elaine's dancing as "A Dry Heave set to music". There was a lot of that.
I hung out for a minute hoping that someone would drunkenly fall into the pool. That didn't happen unfortunately.
Next, the food. There were two cooks set up in the Barbecue area cooking some food. I didn't get a change to eat any, but I did take some pictures. For all the commoners out there reading my blog, this is the kind of spread the fancy people eat. This picture, I just realized doesn't do it justice. There were people walking around all over the place with trays full of food that I couldn't even begin to guess what it was. At one point a woman offered me "Fish Balls". I'm pretyt sure fish don't have balls, but I didn't want to chance it.
Now, on to the Sushi bar! Sushi is to the super rich that hamburgers are to the commoners. People get very excited about it. The line for the sushi bar was very long with people talking about sushi and money, or money sushi, or power and sushi, or maybe it was money, power and sushi...(now that's a show I would watch). I didn't quite get every conversation. If there was a hamburger bar, I would be all over that, talking about hamburgers with anyone standing near as loud as I feel like, because dang it! I like hamburgers! Alright, Tangent..back on track. There was a police officer sampling the Sushi. I can't make a joke out of it, but I thought it was funny.

Down in the common room the four TV's were on and fancy people milling about.
I may have caught this picture of the TV in the middle of a subliminal message. There was a DJ downstairs blasting some super loud dancy type music. My daughter really enjoyed dancing to it. Over all the party was very fancy and very nice. The staff at the Domus really have done a lot of work to prepare and it went off very well. My only complaint is this. On the invite it said "Fancy Gifts" Here is a picture of the "Fancy Gift". It was some Domus water and mints that we get everyday for free and some Starbucks items from the brand new Starbucks that just went in on the corner. With all the fancy and ritzy people and things and atmosphere I don't consider these fancy. They are nice, don't get me wrong. It's cool to have the Domus bag even. I just was expecting like a Domus money clip, or a new car, or one of those hairless dogs. Now those are fancy. And kind of creepy. Maybe it's good that we got what we did. The Domus mints were replaced with Domus fortune cookies on the desk. I didn't have one, but if they were thinking, the fortunes should have all read something like "You will be moving soon", or "You will find yourself in University City in the near future", or "You will find love on arbor day." That last one was just to throw them off. One of the small but fancy touches was an elevator operator running the elevators all night long. I am assuming again, but I don't think the rich people like to press buttons. Unless it's a buy or sell button on their giant stock money making machines, or the trap door in their offices which I'm sure they all have somewhere.
To wrap it all up. Nice party, well done. It was even quiet enough during the party in our apartment for our kid to stay asleep.
On a side note, Laura and I got a web cam so if anyone wants to chat with us over the net, let me know! Till next time, peace out.

Tracy

Philadelphia Adventure - The Fire Alarm

2007-09-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

It's 3 am as I write this blog entry and I am wide awake. We discovered something new at Philadelphia's most exclusive living resort the Domus. The in room fire alarms volume control has been set to ludicrous. At about 2:30 in the morning (which is about "The Middle of the Night" Greenwich Normal People Standard Time) our apartment became unlivable as the fire alarm, which is conveniently placed at the head of our bed, began to blare what I will now, and for the rest of my life refer to as my least favorite, most painful sound. I cannot relay how loud and high pitched the blaring alarm actually was. I'm certain everyone within a twelve block radius was under the impression that we were under attack from aliens using a new undiscovered sound wave weapon that makes peoples ears catch on fire. Every time the alarm would sound my ear drums would threaten to burst and my eyes would start to pop out of my head. Laura asked me why there wasn't a strobe light in the room for the deaf people. My response is because I'm sure the deaf people could hear that alarm. Or at least they wake up and notice that their eyeballs keep popping out of their heads and will run down the stair seeking help. My main distress at this insanely loud sound is that while it did alert us, it actually rendered our minds useless. We couldn't figure out what to do at first so we did the only rational thing, zip around each room as fast as we could while asking the other person what to do. Needless to say this whole mess really freaked out our dog. My daughter actually slept through the first few minutes of the alarm. She probably awoke when she realized that she was now hearing the worst song ever.
We finally came too enough to think that maybe we should leave the building. So we strapped our kid to Laura, I grabbed the Dog and we joined the stream of the tired but wealthy as we exited the building. First we were informed that there was no fire. Some kind person decided to yank the fire alarm. Second I noticed that the wealthy in pajama and without the time in the morning to get ready look just like us commoners. I don't know what I really expected to be different, I just thought maybe their pj's would be made of gold or something.
The Fire department arrived and shortly let us back into the building. We were able to get the kiddo back off to sleep by some miracle. Then, the alarm went off again. Laura said "Now that's just mean." which I agree, but I was thinking a whole lot more cuss words.
It is now 9 in the morning. Everyone is dressed and ready for the day...except me. I ended up staying up with my daughter who I guess only needs a few hours of sleep a night. I finally drifted off to sleep in time for the construction workers to show up at 6 am driving the worlds loudest truck up and down the alley outside our window. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Tracy

Philadelphia Adventure - Independence Hall Trip

2007-09-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

We took a trip to Independence hall on Saturday. Unfortunately we made it there late in the day and couldn't get tickets. We are planning on trying again on a weekday when it's not so crowded. It's a bit funny because it's on Chestnut street at about 6th street. We are also on Chestnut street at 34th street. Kinda cool. Any how, here is my thoughts on the week.

We see these banners around the "Historic" district everywhere. I personally feel that it's representing the good State of Philadelphia Flipping me the bird with one hand and on the phone with the other as if to say "Take a hike youz!" If you'll look closer you can see that the woman in the photo actually has two fingers up representing the number two for some reason. Unfortunately this is also the British version of flipping the bird, which I suppose is appropriate because that's what our Founding Fathers were doing in essence with the Declaration of Independence or the Ultimate Bird Flip.

This is a pretty cool monument. It says "Abraham Lincoln stood here when he raised the flag on Independence hall February 22nd 1861". I felt a sense of wonder as I stood there also looking up at the flag. I thought "Wow, the great emancipator, the greatest President of our great country, the 5 dollar bill guy stood here on this very spot. I could sure go for a Cheese Steak."
This is a picture of my now favorite statue in the world. It is of a man dressed in a colonial type costume pointing at the giant building straight across for some strange reason. The reason it's my favorite statue is because the only descriptive wording the single word "Barry" on the pedestal. It makes me think, who is this Barry? Why does he get a statue? What the heck is he pointing at? I don't think I've seen a statue before that has risen more questions then this one.

Then there is the great statue of George Washington standing outside the Independence Hall. I really don't have much to say about this one. It was neat. And the picture Laura took of it turned out nice.

We also managed to sneak a view of the Liberty Bell from outside the building it rests in. This made me exclaim, "Look, it's that thing! How neat!" It was all very exciting to be there on the site where some of the greatest men of our country stood together and united as one to declare independence for all. I wonder what this place must have looked like back then, before the skyscrapers and construction sites. I also wonder how much of it was original. Were the cobblestone streets we were walking on the same ones that George Washington walked down as he sent text messages to Martha on his cell phone? (L1b3rty r0x! - 1776!).

It was nice to see some of the history that this city has to offer. I can't wait to see more of it. Thanks for reading. Until Next time.

Tracy

Philadelphia Update (The Domus)

2007-09-10T05:13:00.001-07:00

Howdy all. It's been a good weekend here in Philadelphia. I took a few pictures of the city and the Domus and thought I'd share. Let's get started shall we? Remeber folks, you can click the picture for a larger view!

This is a picture of an old church. In the background is the Sheraton in Center City we stayed in for a few days. We got to know the downtown area pretty well on our daily "Ohmygosh, we don't have a place to live" walks.
These are some pictures of downtown. Laura took these, and they turned out pretty nice.

We are finaly feeling settled here in Philly. It's a bit odd still to look around our apartment and see all our stuff set up in it. I've just become so used to seeing everything in our house in Elk Grove. I'm sure I'll get used to it soon.

Let's move onto our apartment complex The Ever so Fancy Domus. Let me start off by saying, this is the most beautiful place I have ever lived. When we walk down the street toward the building you can see a pretty spectacular view of the city skyline. These pictures don't do it justice.
The first thing you notice when walking out side is that you can see the air. It is so humid here, which I hear is good for my skin. When people say that it leads me to believe that sweat is supposed to be good for my skin. Let's just say my armpits have never been so soft! When you're outside, the wet air clings to you like some kind of clinging airy wet sky thing.

Inside the Domus you'll notice isn't humid at all. This is because they crank the air conditioner to sub zero tempatures. This is because all the rich people who live here feel insulted when they have to sweat their own sweat. (There is a giant imported french water machine in the gym that sprays the elite people as they work out so they don't have to actually sweat that salty stinky stuff.)
This is a picture of the loby. Every time I've been down there Bill Clinton has been on the TV. I'm thinking that it's stuck on the Bill Clinton channel.
There is a beatiful common room when you walk past the security desk.
They have four TV's hooked up and running at once. I don't quite undertand the purpose behind this. Most of the time at least two, but mostly three of the TV's are all playing the same show. The only thing I can think of is that the Rich can't stand to watch a TV that may be being watched by someone else. With options for which one to watch it's a way for them to feel better. They only have a 33% chance that someone else is watching the same TV they are. At least that's the best I can figure. That or it's for ADD people who can't decide which direction they want to be looking.
There is a refriderator in the common room that Laura refers to as the "Magic Fridge". At certain times of the day it is filled with bottled water and sodas. I must not have said the magic words right for this picture because the fridge was empty. The interesting thing for me is to find out that the super rich actualy drink the same type of commoner soda as I do. I just assumed they had some sort of solid gold Coke bottles.

This is a picture of the "Card Room". I don't know what kind of "Cards" are played in here but I assume it's the kind you always see in the old James Bond movies. There are several other rooms like this but they are conference rooms. There are always some fancy people in there with nice laptops working on making millions of dollars.
This is the pool table. I was a bit surprised to find that it didn't have the green felt look like in the movies. I think that it's made from imported camel fur. Side Note - that guy on the stool is always there. I think he must be Domus version of Norm from Cheers.

This is a picture of the frame in the elevator making note of the "Social" events. I had to take a picture of this because I didn't realy believe it myself. For instance, it looks like I missed the Massage Party yesterday.

This post has gone on too long and I am tired of typing. I will post again soon with pictures of the interior of our apartment when I decide to clean it up a bit. Till next time.

Tracy

Philadelphia Adventure Update 9/05

2007-09-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

For all our adoring fans, here is my update on our Philadelphia Adventure. We checked out of the Sheraton for good this morning and into our new apartment. Wow, what a nice place. For those of you who haven't seen the web site for where we're living now, you can check it out here DomusPa.com. Our apartment is called "Ia" on the site. Yes, you did see correctly...we are paying a TON of money to live here. Let me explain why for a moment.
Philadelphia is just like you see in the movies. There are two types of people here. We have the type that work in the fancy high rise buildings, and the type behind those buildings taking a dump. It's not a city for your average Joe, like I consider myself. A few of the more "Rustic" parts of town have me thinking back to my Mission days, and not in a good way (Think 'Nam flashbacks "Johny!!!!"). We found the area the rich people live. They are the high rise condos that cost millions of dollars for a studio apartment. The are secured by a team of surly looking "you better not be talking directly to me" type of door men who keep the vagrants from peeing on the red carpets. We don't have the millions of dollars it takes to move in there so we opted for the next best thing. The fortress from the people who want to stab me, The Domus.
Of course we don't exactly have the money for this place either, but Laura and I talked a good show for the background check and I did a few tap dance maneuvers with some tricky flourishes and ended it all with my best Jazz Hands. Then they decided after talking to my Dad (with his Thurston Howl type accent) that we must be from the upper crust, and they let us in. To which we reply...suckers! But seriously..it is a bit pricey. We will be going heavy into debt this year, so I guess live it up! I plan on taking every bit of "perks" that this place offers. For instance, I had three of the free sodas they offer downstairs as well as a hand full of cookies. Plus, I played a round of pool...for no real reason except I could.
Right now I am typing this Blog entry while sitting on the rooftop cafe area overlooking this fine city, enjoying the brisk wind, the lights from the city, the smell of urine in the air, and the people calling each other "A-Holes" while zipping around at 400 miles per hour in their death mobiles blaring their horns and gesturing crudely. I think I figured out why I have never heard anyone say "Aw, Philly." in a fond tone. I had better close my laptop. While I have been writing this there has been an Urban Camper trying to convince me to "Toss" him a couple of bucks. My tactic has been to pretend I am deaf and now I am getting a speech on why I think I am better then he is. So long my Friends. Until Next Time.

Tracy

P.S. The "Rocky" statue really freaks my dog out. Weird. I think she is afraid of effigies of fictional characters.

Well, here we are in Philadelphia

2007-08-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

After a few days of driving across the wilderness I have received an appreciation for the Pioneers who got into their cars and drove across the plains. Upon arriving in Philadelphia we discovered what a dirty stinky city it can be. I think that Laura's Dad and I drove into the city from the wrong side of the tracks. Unfortunately, the wrong side of the tracks is where our apartment was supposed to be. The good news is that it wasn't ready for us when we got there allowing us to break the lease and find other arrangements. We were uncertain as what to do at first, then a kind young man helped us make up our minds when he yelled "What's Crack-a-lackin' Cracker!" at me as I stood on the side of the road near our "new" place. We decided to find a new place nearer to the University campus. The crap town apartment management company put us up in the Sheraton hotel in University City. Boy oh boy was it swanky! Right next door was a beautiful apartment complex that was brand new, and oozed security and comfort. It is called DOMUS. You can see their site here http://www.domuspa.com (Don't choke when you see the prices, we have one of the smallest apartments). They made us jump through tons of hoops and do a few dances until they would let us sign any lease on the apartment. They also made my Mom and Dad jump though a few hoops and do some dances as well, and because they are such wonderful folks, the people who control the keys at Domus finally gave in and let us have an apartment. The problem is, we can't move in until next week. So, for now, we are spending a fortune staying in the Sheraton hotel. If you are reading this, and are rich, feel free to send me tons of money as that is what we really need right now.
On another note, I'm sure you are all wondering what happened in the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic Balls of Fury match...Stay tuned, I will be posting the final update soon! Peace out my friends and enemies.

Tracy

Moving to Pilladelphia PA

2007-08-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

This is just a little note to let anyone who doesn't already know, that Laura and I will be moving to Philadelphia PA this week. I plan on posting still to this site to let everyone know about our lives and what's going on and junk...so, bookmark this page. I'll wait, do it now... Done? Great! I'll see you around then!

Counter Strike Comic

2007-08-21T10:54:00.001-07:00

I just had some ideas that struck me funny. Here it is.

Tennis Update August 16th

2007-08-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a while Tennis Fans! With Tracy's upcoming move to Philadelphia, the matches for the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic have had to be put on stand by. A game was played this evening much to the fans delight. It was the most epic battle these two rivals have ever played.
If you recall, in the last match the rule book was discovered to be an Easy Bake Oven cook book. With the rules officially out the window mayhem ensued.
Tracy showed up with a team of Robots and Spock on his side all playing at the same time.
Tony quickly countered by summoning the most evil army of tennis players ever assembled.
Tony took the first match 6-4 without incident. As Tony and his Entourage were leaving the court, Tracy challenged Tony to another match. Tony shrugged off the challenge and proceeded to leave the court. Tracy then did the unthinkable by calling Tony a pansy. Tony wheeled around and accepted the second match.
Tracy unleashed his secret weapon. A Tennis Playing Tennis-o-matic bot 6000.
With 360 degrees of tennis playing power, Tony's team didn't stand a chance. To ensure victory, Tracy also devised a scheme to remove all the oxygen from Tony's side of the court. Tony's eye balls quickly bulged to abnormal size allowing Tracy and his team of Robots to take the match 6-4.
With the games set squarely at 9-8, it's anyones game to be champion of the Summer 2007 Tennis Clasic!

Tennis Update August 8th

2007-08-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

Today was the third day in a row the Tennis Champions Tony and Tracy fought in their epic battles that will go down in history as the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic. Tracy has been threatening to replace his legs with Robot legs for sometime now and stunned the crowed when he showed up with not only Robot legs, but with Robot arms, torso, and head. "Yes, I'm not only a robot now, I'm also 25 feet tall. Take that Gigantor!" Tracy was quoted when asked about his new robot physique at the start of the match.
Tony seemed unphased by the new challenge. The game began. Tracy quickly took the lead in the match and it appeared to be an easy win. Then Tony's strategy kicked in. A mob of Giant Glowing Eyed Clowns crowded around the back fence on Tracy's side of the court. Tracy said "They were just standing there, waving, and chuckling. It was so creepy! I couldn't think about anything other then trying to to get to close to the fence. Clowns eat robots you know!"
Tracy's game fell apart and Tony took the victory with a stunning power hit. "He moved faster then anyone would have thought possible for a Giant." Said a spectator. "Yeah, I've been saving up that power move for a while now" said Tony. "I saw the blue orb blinking next to my power meter, I held down the A button, and let it go unleashing the fury!" "This is so not fair. Clowns have to be against the rules." said Tracy after the loss. The Judge opened the rule book, flipped a few pages and shook his head. "It's legal if they don't come onto the court." the Judge said. Tracy was incredulous. He snatched the rule book from the Judge to much protest. "This is a cook book for an Easy Bake Oven!" Tracy exclaimed. The crowd gasped. With the rule book discovered as a fraud, the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic is now a No Rules event. With this realization, Tony kicked Tracy into a deep hole. If he can get out, the next Match should prove exciting! Stay Tuned!

Tennis Update August 7th

2007-08-08T08:11:00.001-07:00

The game played this evening in the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic was not a disappointment. Tony and Tracy, bitter rivals and mortal enemies, gave the most evenly matched performances of their illustrious tennis careers.
Tony took a commanding lead in the start of the match, and it would appear to most that he was going to win without a struggle. As the play went 5-3 Tracy's secret weapon kicked in. Minja Assassins. For those not privy to Ninja folklore, a Minja is a midget ninja. Tracy hired two Minja assassins to take out Tony's legs during play. This worked marvelously for Tracy and secured him the ultimate win in the tie breaker match at 6-6.
Tony offered this as his excuse for losing. "I wasn't playing my best. I've a had a weird day. I went to the Outback Steakhouse for lunch today and ordered an Awesome Blossom. What I got was that obnoxious girl from that crappy television show from the nineties "Blossom". If that wasn't bad enough, she brought her stupid brother Joey along. I kept hearing "Whoa" in my head all day!"
The match quickly turned ugly when Tony blasted Tracy in the stomach during a crucial point exchange. Tracy countered a few points later with a punishing blow to Tony's midsection causing the Giant Tony to say "I think a fly just landed on me!" as he brushed the blow away. Tracy's tennis battle wound can be seen in the picture below (highlighted by the Red Circle), be warned, it's not pretty.
The Summer 2007 Tennis Classic is now Tracy's advantage with a commanding 8-6 lead. Stay tuned all for the next exciting round!

Tennis Update August 6th

2007-08-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

The two rivals played a round of Tennis in the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic last night. As the game went underway, the score was 7-5 in favor of Tracy. If you recall Tracy won two consecutive games in the last match sparking a riot on the streets of Faketopolis. From this reporters opinion both Tracy and Tony played very well. One fan said of the match "They were both moving so fast I could hardly see more then a blur...of course I have been drinking homemade moonshine, so that might have something to do with it."
Tony managed to secure the win at the end of play 6 games to 4. In the press conference proceeding the match Tony (having to reduce himself to regular human size to fit in the suit) said of the game "Tracy wasn't on his A game today. I've had a more difficult match against a kitten!" This infuriated Tracy. "If I recall the game correctly, you cried at least twice!" Tony then stood and shouted back "I had something in my eye and you know it!" to which Tracy replied "Yeah, it's called girly emotions, you big baby!" Tony quickly composed himself and took a seat. "I was wrong. Tracy is not worse at tennis then a kitten." He paused. "He is worse at tennis then a one eared, one legged, one eyed, 50 year old kitten with bronchitis!" Tracy then kicked his chair back and turned into the Hulk once again. Tony assumed Giant size and tore off his suit. The US Marines were quickly dispatched to the room as they were standing by and distracted both opponents with a giant cake. If both opponents can regain some composure, the game Tomorrow, should be a good one! Stay tuned to find out if Tony can close the gap, or will Tracy take a commanding lead once again!

A Stunning Upset

2007-08-02T07:36:00.000-07:00

The Tennis world was stunned today as Tracy took a commanding lead in the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic by winning two games. Crowds of Tony supporters flooded the streets of Faketopolis in protest this afternoon enraged by the upset. "It's just not fair!" cried one of the younger protestors. "Tracy just isn't that good! Two games, come on, it's rigged! What is this, Pro Wrestling?" said another.
Late in the afternoon Tracy supporters arrived on scene shouting their support for their player. "We've been too ashamed to leave our houses before Tracy took the lead. Now we're able to show our faces again! Who knows when Tony will take the lead back? We're going to live it up!" one of the Tracy supporters was heard to say as he downed a 2 liter bottle of Go Girl.
Jubilation and jeers quickly turned to Chaos when Tony the Giant showed up in the early evening screaming in protest, annoyance and shame. Fans from both camps quickly turned on each other starting a massive riot. "There was looting, fights...you know, typical riot shenanigans." said Officer Krupski of the riot police. "Look, you get two players like Tony and Tracy together playing an all out grudge match in front of the whole world, it's just bound to get ugly" He said as he tossed a canister of tear gas into the crowd. The whole riot died down after a few hours when the riot police began to pump in the musical tones of Neil Diamond into the crowd.
Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic "Balls of Fury".

Tennis Scandal!

2007-07-26T13:12:00.001-07:00

I begin this update by letting you know that Tracy beat Tony in yesterdays match bringing the games to a tie a 5-5. It went to the unbearable tie breaker match once again. However, the tie breaker match lasted 3 years during which time the court was wrapped in a time warp as Tracy took the match 11-9. The details are in a blur as the on lookers got bored and read the latest Harry Potter book.

Which brings us to the scandal! Moments after the announcement of illegal banned substances, this photograph of Tony downing a "Go Girl" energy drink before the Tennis Match. Tracy has been quoted in saying "Bring it on Tony! I don't care if you drink Go Girl, or Rockstar, or Monster, or Red Bull or, Monster Energy XXL, or Lucozade Orange, or Bawlz, or Soda Club, or Radioactive Energy, or Damzl Fuel, or Blue Streak, or Fortify Energy Plus, or Source Burn, or even Korean Ginseng drink! I can beat you no matter what radioactive liquid is pouring in your veins!" The Summer 2007 Tennis Classic officials decided to overlook this "Juicing" on the reason, if it's good enough for the MLB to overlook Barry Bonds, they might as well let the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic fans enjoy the brutal match!

Tennis Update July 25th

2007-07-25T07:29:00.000-07:00

The world was stunned by yesterdays Summer 2007 Tennis Classic "Balls Of Fury" match between Tony and Tracy. Tony destroyed Tracy 5 games to 3. The match began as every match these to rivals play against each other. The back and forth between points and games at an even pace. Then Tony stunned the crowd with the rare, but beautiful "perfect serve". As the ball flew through the air a heavenly chorus was heard singing the word "ACE!". A dazzling white light appeared just as the ball hit in bounds. Tracy became furious and turned instantly back into the Hulk. The referee called a foul at this point. Tracy, in Hulk form could not control the onslaught of swearing. Tracy then reverted to plan B...Ultraman. But Tony assumed the form of a Giant undead moth type thingy and managed to stomp all over Ultra Tennis Man.

BREAKING NEWS! Tracy, long suspecting Tony of cheating has hired a Private Detective to follow Tony around to capture the off court shenanigans. It turns out this photo was snapped of Tony selling his soul to the devil for tennis serving power. When asked about the shameful photo Tony's explanation is as follows.
"First. It ain't against the rules. Second, I didn't sell my soul. It was more of a lease arrangement. See the devil has enough souls as he recently collected most of the US Congress and the Senate. A lot of them wanted to get off that DC Madames list and everything..."
As it turns out, Tony is correct. It isn't against the rules to sell your soul for tennis powers. However, we must remind you, any illegal substance to enhance performance is strictly prohibited. Including "Go Girl Engery Drink".

Tennis Update July 19th

2007-07-20T08:17:00.001-07:00

"The Day is MINE!" Tracy Constantine was quoted as saying after the lengthy Tennis Match. Tracy has successfully tied the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic at 4 games a piece. It was an epic battle in the 8th game of the season. The game went, yet again, to the annoyingly drawn out tie breaker match. The entire set lasted about 1 week. The weather has been mild as of late. During the game, however, the Cosmos decided to crank the heat up on the tennis court. It quickly became a roasting 10,000 degrees within a matter of minutes. The Tennis Battle was so intense that neither opponent would quit playing! Although they did quit sweating at one point, which is not a good sign. The fierce battle was so intense that Tracy didn't even notice when his heart gave up and stopped pumping blood for a few hours. Luckily, a well placed 700 mph tennis blast to the chest restarted the dead heart. Tracy then employed a new tactic by turning into the Hulk for a few well placed hits and serves. Tony the Giant, with his Giant reach and lightning like reflexes managed to put up a good fight. Enthusiasm for the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic has reached an all time high. The fans have poured out their support. "It was a battle for the ages." one spectator was not heard to say. "This is the greatest day of my life!" someone else said...somewhere, about something. "Tony and Tracy's tennis matches has cured my foot cancer!" little Timmy exclaimed from the foot cancer building at the local foot and knee cap cancer hospital. We look forward to the next match to see who will pull into the lead! Stay tuned Tennis Fan!

P.S. Someone managed to snap a picture of the match at the moment when Tracy Won! Notice Tony in the back court, in his Giant Awesomeness!

Summer 2007 Tennis Classic Update

2007-07-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

It was the best of times, it was the Blerst of times?! The tennis world was on the edge of their seats today during the two sets played by long time Wimbledon watchers Tracy (Temper Tantrum) Constantine and Tony (Giant Wasp Lover) Caston. The first thing anyone noticed today was that Tracy stepped up his game showing a supreme confidence by dressing like an 80's movie preppy with a polo shirt (collar up!) and low socks, with Shades. Tony's confidence was shaken quite badly upon seeing that he would be playing against an 80's movie rich jerk. He worried that the game would take a turn for the worse when Tracy (AKA Chett)'s dad would build a new golf course on his suburban neighborhood making him resort to crazy antics, like joining the annual Yacht race, or find the hidden pirate treasure, or Ski down the K-12 on one ski while being chased by a ravenous 12 year old paper boy demanding his 2 dollars! Tony quickly recovered from the shock and the first set went to the very tense, somewhat annoyingly drawn out tie breaker 6-6 match. Tracy ended up winning this set. After a celebratory passing out, Tracy was prepped for the next set. The game appeared to be going poorly for Tony when the count reached 3-0 in favor of Tracy. Tony stepped up his game with some fabulously fake point steeling shots. Tracy's temper raged as he accused Tony of altering the gravity on his side of the court, or somehow making the wind blow the ball out of bounds every time. Without being able to offer any sort of proof, the play continued with Tracy loosing to Tony 6-4. Tracy then smashed his racket into the fence and vowed revenge on Tony if it were the last thing he did. Tony then drove a fuming Tracy back to his house. Special Note! There will be a one week break from tennis while Tracy gets his special robot legs and mind control devices installed. Stay Tuned Tennis Fan (Probably just Tony)!

Summer 2007 Classic Update

2007-07-10T08:07:00.000-07:00

A game was played yesterday between Tony and myself. And I WON! Of course I did cheat, but only a little. I hired an army of WASPS to attack Tony right before we started playing. This worked out great! Tony ran around his side of the court waving his tennis racket and his freakishly long arms at the tiny, yet very stingy, army of wasps! By the time we started playing, he was already a bit winded! Victory was mine! Although, it was still close. I lost the lead early on but was determined to win. I was even going to resort to the Go Go Gadget Arms I had installed over the weekend. Fortunately I didn't have too, as it hurts a great deal more to extend the arms then they lead on to in the cartoon. I have a deep respect for Inspector Gadget. Imagine, all the times he had to extend his appendages, not even once letting on to the excruciating pain of it. That my friends and enemies, is a true hero! But I digress. The real story here has something to do with me beating Tony at something....oh yes TENNIS! This brings the matches to 3-2 in Tony's favor. But I think now he can hear me creeping behind him, like some sort of small creeping thing that plays tennis, and mutters under it's breath, and kinda smells like tuna...that went too far...anyways, STAY TUNED the one or two readers of this Blog for more in the SUMMER 2007 TENNIS CLASSIC for exciting Tennis action, or at least a rambling recount.

Summer 2007 Tennis Classic Has Begun!

2007-07-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

Tony (Giant Man) Caston and I have begun the Summer 2007 Tennis Classic! Mind you it's about 40,000 degrees right now so it makes for some pretty interesting matches. For instance, some people play on grass, or clay...we are currently playing on a court of LAVA! After the first match the hallucinations begin to kick in making it very hard to hit the ball in bounds when the lines are all wiggling and yelling and made of monsters and hate. I also found out that Tony has been cheating, using a variety of tactics. For instance, Force Powers, Mind Control and using an intricate tunnel system to make sure that the Indian grave yard is directly under the side of court I am playing on. That and he's 50 feet tall. What I have going for me, is my horrible shoulder injury and asthma. If you think that's a handicap, well, then you just have never played a bad shoulder having asthmatic before my friend! Special Note to Tony...I plan on coming armed for our next Match my Friend!

What the World Needs Now

2007-07-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

It's not love, sweet love like you'd think...it's Global Warming! I'm so excited by the current trend in Global Warming! I mean come on, who doesn't love the warm weather! For instance, all the polar ice caps melting! To me that's RAD! I've always wanted to visit that area of the world, but have often thought, "Naw, too cold!" Not in a few years! It'll be a vacation hot spot soon! Just imagine, all the countries that we Americans currently think of as cold and uninviting, like Greenland, Iceland, Russia, Detroit. They will all melt soon and become inhabitable again! It's like in that movie the Chronicles of Narnia, when the ice melts and junk! The Ice Witch is finally dead on Earth! Bring on that global warming!

Howdy Y'all!

2007-06-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted here! So here is a post! I've been quite busy lately trying to get my Art thing going. I've written and illustrated a children's book last week, I'm working on the Gun Fighter's Life comic, and now my World War Two comic...as well as thinking up new ideas for our crazy videos! Stay tuned, and don't worry, I'm not ignoring this site! I'll have to post a rant on here soon! If you want to check out my World War 2 comic, click here:

http://gunfighterslife.blogspot.com/

Tracy

Shameless Plug!

2007-03-21T09:53:00.000-07:00

I wanted to give myself a shameless plug for the Gun Fighter's Life comic! Tell your friend, your enemy's, your acquaintances, your complete strangers to go the site and check it out! Here are some Computer Desktop Wallpapers I made to help spread the word! Thanks!

Tracy
www.gunfighterslife.com

Technical Support: Episode One

2007-02-08T10:56:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is. The first (And Last) Episode of Technical Support. It really didn't turn out as funny as it was in my head. Thanks for everyones help getting this made. I appreciate all the hard work. Thanks!
Here is the commercial for the show with the full show below it. Bloopers to come later.

Some Important Announcements!

2007-01-03T14:44:00.000-08:00

First and Foremost is the announcement of the new Dodgeball Pwnage team site PwnageDodgeball.com.
This has stirred up much excitement in Dodgeball Fanatics! You can now look at the Official Team Pwnage Trading Cards on the page!

Also, I have decided to run for the President of the United States of America in 2008. I have started a minor site for more details which can be found here.

It is the first step in my larger goal of taking over the world! That and my 3 year long dream of Solid Gold Pants (Don't worry, I have thought of the intricate hinge system allowing me to actually sit down sometimes) Wish me luck!

Pwnage Greatest Hits Vol 4

2006-12-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

More Dodgeball Goodness!

Dodgeball Volume 3

2006-10-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

Once again we have another Dodgeball Update! Team Pwnage won 3 matches this Tuesday. We are very proud of ourselves. One of our wins was in a Sudden Death Tie Breaker. That means the first person out loses it for their team. Mike got drilled in the chest but managed to catch it after it bounced off him. We went nuts with excitement. We actually played in two sudden deaths but lost the other one against the Misfits. We also got killed by the Bullies, but oh well. There is always Next Time!
Here is the video:

More Dodgeball Goodness!

2006-10-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

This is a post to update you all on the latest Dodgeball goodness. We won another TWO matches this week. We won against The Chuck Norris All Stars (who did a lot better then last week), and the Misfits. We are pretty proud of how far we've come as Dodgeball players. Check below for Volume 2 of the Greatest Hits video. One fun thing to look for is when one member of the other team slams his own teammate in the back! PWNED!

Here is a picture of all the players from the NDA who stuck around after the game.
Click it to make it larger

Dodgeball Update

2006-10-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

Team Pwnage has played it's third game now with the National Dodgeball Association (NDA). Our first game we won 3 games but no matches. Also Larry broke his arm in a nasty fall. Our second game we won 4 games but no matches and I got slammed in the face and crotch. Our third game we actually won 2 matches! We are very proud of our team! GO US! Anyway, here is a video of some of our greatest hits from this last game. There is one to look out for, I get hit by Darren right in the target on the back of our uniforms and get pushed into the fence right where Larry was standing. Also, one of the other team get's hit in the face by his own team mate. It's kinda small on the screen so look hard.

Some New Videos!

2006-10-09T08:07:00.000-07:00

Here are a few videos for your viewing pleasure. I inteded to keep them under wraps until I submited them for the TV Pilot we were asked to put together, but since that company already folded and it's no longer needed, here you go! Don't forget to post some comments!

National Dodgeball Asscociation

2006-09-20T13:08:00.001-07:00

I have been granted the distinct honor of joining a brand new team in the National Dodgeball Association. I am truly humbled by this momentous opportunity. My entire life I have dreamed of becoming some sort of professional athlete, or at the least an athletic supporter. Here is my chance, the truly noble sport of kings, Dodgeball. The team has been carefully pulled together via a vigorous try out. The question was asked, "Are you free next Tuesday?" If the answer was yes, or at least, I think so, they were given an opportunity to join the team. From this simple question we've put together a crack group of individuals: Tifany (Captain), Larry, Mike, Mark, Tom, Ben, AJ, Randy, Scott and myself. Team Pwnage. No, that's no typo! It's Team Pwnage, pronounced {Pown-age}. The term is a gaming term meaning Ownage, or Owned, as in "Our team is so good that we will beat you so bad that we will then own you." If you don't get it, then you are probably too old, and you should come to grips with it.

Our first game is on Tuesday the 26th at 7:30 pm at the Indoor Softball Complex in Roseville California. If you can attend this historic occasion please do! Come support the team. If you want to purchase any team Pwnage merchandise you can visit this online store here:

http://www.cafepress.com/pwnagedb

If there is anyone willing to video tape our matches so that I may compile a Greatest Hits video (Us getting hit in slow motion) please let me know soon!

More-O-Matic

2006-09-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

We were able to record 4 songs last night! Thanks to the Super Amazing and Rad Jordan Seavers, we can offer you two of the songs now! This is a limited offer! Act now before time runs out!

What Went Wrong

3 0 Seconds of Hard Core Bad (So Long)

I hope you like it! Don't forget to post comments below.

Just a remider, You can still donate to the "Help Tracy Quit His Day Job So He Can Make More Cool Stuff We All Enjoy" (HTQHDJSHCMMCSWAE) fund! Seriously, this stuff don't pay for its self! Click the Link below!

The Greatest Band that Ever Was

2006-08-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

Most people haven't heard of them, and you'll have to take my word for it, but the greatest band that ever was is called More-O-Matic. It was a short lived band based in Northern California from 1997 to 1998. It consisted of Bill Green (lead guitar, vocals, song writer) Coray Cunningham (Base guitar, back up vocals) Jared Constantine (Drummer, back up vocals) Tracy Constantine (vocals, song writer). From their humble beginnings, in a Rocklin garage to their humble ending, in a Rocklin garage, they rocked the Punk music scene at many High School parties and talent shows and brought the pop punk scene to new heights. Many popular bands now have been influenced by their unpolished sound and killer good looks. The band Simple Plan has been quoted when asked about More-O-Matic's influence as saying "Never heard of them". Their song list consists of such great hits as "So Long", "Stop, Don't Stop" and "60 Seconds of Hard Core Bad". They seemed to bridge the generation gap and united nations with the memorable hit "Punk Rock Love Song". In my opinion no other band will ever come close to the heights attained by More-O-Matic. Fortunately, they are currently in talks about reuniting (save Coray, who has seemed to disappear, or who was not looked up) to record their catalog onto a CD so that all people, world wide, can enjoy their sound. Currently the only known recorded More-O-Matic music is on a poor quality tape owned by Jared. Finally, they will answer the call of man kind and give them what they've wanted for eons...a More-O-Matic CD. Stay tuned!

More Pirate's Life Videos

2006-08-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

Well we caved in to all the emails and made more Pirates Life videos. I think that they turned out pretty good actually. I had a hard time not cracking up at Jared during the "Old Job Back" video. He has really done a fabulous job on these ones. A little bit of trivia here as well, Jared also doubled as the Ninja for this round of filming. A special thanks to my wife Laura as well for being "Janice, the Pirate". She did a fantastic job and looks great as a pirate! Cory and my Dad (the Manager) did great as usual. I am toying with the idea of continuing the series, but an not sure. I have so many other projects I would like to work on, and I still have to work my day job! So, unless everyone gets together and donates money to "Help Tracy Quit His Day Job So He Can Make More Cool Stuff We All Enjoy" (HTQHDJSHCMMCSWAE) it will be a little while before anything else comes out! So sit back, relax and enjoy "The Pirates Life: The Bonus Clips"! Click the Play button inside the movie below!

Sactramento Temple

2006-08-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

I got a chance to work at the temple in the Parking detail. I headed out to Folsom from my work in Roseville and got there in 30 minutes. I reported to the worker office in the back of the Mormon Center at 4:00 pm. They read the list of names and gave out the assignments. To my dismay, I was not on the list! I asked if I could help out anyway and was told to hang out and wait. A few minutes later, some one handed me a radio and the keys to a golf cart. I was told to pick up people walking in the lot and take them to either their cars or the tour entrance. Oh man was that fun! I ended up working to about 10:40 pm taking workers who got off at 10 to their cars way out in the field parking lot. The temple is so beautiful, especially at night! I feel so lucky and happy to have a real life temple only 40 minutes from my house! I'm doing my first tour this afternoon, I cant wait to see inside!

My Batsuit Photoshoot

2006-07-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

Here are all the pictures from my Batsuit photoshoot! Direct your browser here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/twconstantine/

That is all. Out.

Batman Photoshoot

2006-07-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

I had a photoshoot in my Batsuit yesterday. My sister Jaime took the pictures. She is by far the best Photographer in the world. No joke. I have a few sneak peeks she sent me but I am waiting for the rest before a mass update with pictures of Batman galore! I really liked how this one turned out. Me and my dad! Anyway, stay tuned to this Batchannel for the rest of the Bat Photo Shoot pictures soon!

2006-07-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

I started my new online comic at www.gunfighterslife.com. It's going to be about a cowboy Sheriff who ends up fighting Zombies, wolfman, La Chupacabra...you know, strange stuff! I plan on updating a new page every week. That may be a lofty goal, but I'll try. Anyway, go check it out. Let me know what you think by posting a comment below.

Posting reminder. You don't need an account to post here! You can simply select the "Other" box and enter your name. So post away!

Pirates!

2006-07-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah. I, like many millions of people, am extremely excited about this upcoming movie. From reviews so far it seems that this one will be even better then the first.
Not only are we getting a new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, we also got an update to the ride at Disneyland and Disneyworld. I've seen the video of the ride and it looks AWESOME! I have to wait until January to ride it however (unless a wealthy reader would like to send me now *wink*).
With all the Pirate mania I would like to know how all you loyal readers are going to celebrate this wonderful Piratey time. If you plan on dressing like Pirates, send me a picture and I'll post it here. For my Pirate costume (worn by Cory) you can see the videos on my Pirates-Life site Here. For those who aren't planning on celebrating, shame on you! Dress up as a pirate, go see the movie and tell me if you liked it!

"Come seekin' adventure in salty old pirates, eh? Well ye've come to the proper place!"

Note:
To post a comment on my site, you DO NOT need a username, simply check the box for "Other" and type in your name. Simple. Now POST COMMENTS!

Tennis Update

2006-06-29T20:51:00.000-07:00

Well Frank and I played again today. I lost 6-4. I know that this may upset my fans, but let's face it. I am mortal. Just kidding. I'm planning on setting up a running total on the side bar menu of our games, so keep an eye out for it. I've so far had the longest streak of wins in the Tracy vs. Frank competition. I think it's somewhere in the 90's and Frank says it's more like 20's so well call it 35. That's the number to beat, 35 wins in a row, whadda you say Franky Boy?

On to the match review. I took the first game quickly on Frank's serve as he is trying out a fancy spin serve that never went in. I then lost the next two games, in one I gave up 3 points on double faults. I then one the next 2 bringing it to 3-3. Then I lost one, won one so it was 4-4. I then lost the next two. The final game went to deuce twice with me finally giving it away with a bad hit. Oh well, there is always Saturday. We will probably play a few games with some guest players. Brian Johnson and Jared Constantine are rumored to show up. This should be an interesting game. Frank and I just may have to team up to beat them! Until next time sports fans!

Superman Returns

2006-06-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

I have to start out by saying that I was very impressed with this movie. I felt that it was done very well. Think Batman Begins. At several points in the movie I actually got chills. Especially the opening credits as they play the iconic Superman theme song. Very well done.
The casting was spot on in my opinion. Brandon pulled of the role as both Clark Kent and Superman very well. He has an innocent charm to both characters that is very necessary to the role. Both the Perry White and Jimmy Olsen roles were also perfectly cast as well. Lois was alright, in my opinion. But Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor was great! He played it as a more funny character, like Gene Hackman did for the first two movies. I prefer my Lex a little more dark, but this worked too.
There were one or two points that were pushing it a little, even for a superhero movie. I don't want to say more, because I don't want to ruin it for anyone.
The last point I want to make was, with all the technology we have today in the movies, they did a wonderful job at making Superman fly. They did for Superman's flying what the Spiderman movies have done for web slinging. It was so believable! The quiet flying with the cape flapping noise was perfect!
Go see this movie. Go see it twice! Very much worth the money. Now I can't wait for the DVD so I can watch all the bonus features!

I Finally Won!

2006-06-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

This is just a little message to let the world (and Franks Dad) know that I beat Frank in tennis today 6-4. Thus ending his winning streak at 3 games. I will keep you posted at the next match (Thursday) to see if I can start a winning streak of my own! Cross your fingers!

Addicted to Myspace

2006-06-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

I finaly gave in and created a myspace page. I am blown away at how many of my friends and family already have their own pages! It's actually quite addicting as well. I get excited when I get an email that someone's posted a comment or sent an email. It's funny because I actually get more traffic on that page then I get on this blog! Anyway, if you're a myspacer and want to add me as a friend, i'm at www.myspace.com/twconstantine

Batman First Outing

2006-06-19T13:13:00.000-07:00

My friend Frank's sister graduated from High School a couple weeks ago and Batman made a special appearance. Batman is one of her all time favorites. It was the coolest thing in the world to actually be Batman to someone. I know it looks goofy to see batman smile, but I couldn't help it. What an awesome feeling.

My New Batman Costume

2006-06-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to post a few pictures of my Batman costume. I am pretty excited about how it's turning out. I have a few things to do still, like attach the cowl to the cape so it doesn't stick out. The whole thing is made out of latex by some very talented artists. It's taken a long time to put together. It's also very hot! There is no way I'm fighting any crime in this thing!

Anyways...let me know what you think!

2006-05-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

One of my most favorite places in this good Earth is Disneyland. For those readers who don't know what Disneyland is, I would say, come out from under that rock. It is a magical place in southern California surrounded by overpriced half star motels (where the hepatitis B is always free). My first trip to the "Happiest Place on Earth" was when I was about 7. At that early age I was afraid of everything (much like today) and did not ride many rides. In fact, I remember being afraid of the Alice in Wonderland ride. Even still I was captured by the magic that Disneyland offers.
Growing up my family visited the park several times. I remember a few firsts for me in my life there. My first time riding a roller coaster. My first time vomiting in public. My first time loosing 40 bucks. What a magical place.
The magic seemed to fade a little in the 90's during the several shifts in the "Money Hungry" management. The paint faded, wear and tear went unrepaired, the cast members became surly and rude. Yet I still showed up, hoping that it was just a phase, and I still loved it.
Then another park went up in the old parking lot. The California Adventure. And by Adventure I think they meant boring. It's the park where you can see wonderful things like "How to make tortillas" or "How to make Sourdough Bread". They do have a few good rides, but it will never be the same as Disneyland.
Mr. Matt Ouimet took over as president of the Disneyland Resort and the good changes started to occur. Paint has been touched up, the wear and tear has been repaired and a lot of the staff has been fired or quit. At my last visit to the park my only complaint was all the stupid crowds. Just a note to all the readers, when you are walking in a crowded place please don't just stop in the middle of the walkway to refer to a map, or look around. Move over! I'm thinking next time I visit, I will be bringing a Cattle Prod. (ZAP, excuse me...ZAP, excuse me ZAP)
I look forward to the new changes being made. The Haunted Mansion is receiving a new story line and some great new effects. The Pirates of the Caribbean is also getting a revamp with new technology, characters (Captain Jack Sparrow) and a new story line, as well as tossing out the old Politically Correct changes.
So three cheers for Disneyland! I hope to visit there often, if any of our readers are going, and would like the Tracy Tour, and are willing to pay for me, then kick me out an email and I guarantee you'll have the best trip of your life!

How to be a Safe Driver

2006-05-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

My Father has written a paper on how to be a safe driver. He has driven well over a million miles without an accident and that's saying something. I have never felt nervous as a passenger when he is driving. I must point out, this is not a joke. I know our loyal readers who check back often looking for a laugh may be disappointed. Consider it our Public Service Announcement. We will get back to the funny with the next post! Click here to read this paper.

The views and opinions contained herein in no way reflect the views and opinions of The Primate Cage.

Batman Vs. Superman

2006-05-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

I would like to write of a debate that has raged on since the dawn of time. Who is better, Batman or Superman. Here are my arguments:

Superman is not a human.
It is indeed a fact that Superman, or Kal-El, was not born on the planet Earth. He was born on the doomed planet Krypton. And while I am glad he was sent here as much as the next person, I am not sure if he entered our country legally. That's right. Superman is an Illegal Alien. I'm sure with the present state of affairs in the country, it will be overlooked.
Batman (Bruce Wayne) was born in America to very wealthy and socially conscious parents. Not only is he a true blooded American, he is also human. 1 point for Batman.
Superman has Super Powers. He has flight, super speed, invulnerability, heat vision, cold breath, x-ray vision and (this is a rumor) can fly around the world so fast that it spins in reverse and turns back time. Of course this makes him the ultimate super hero. 1 point for Superman.
Batman has trained his body and mind since he was a child and watched his parents die in an alley in Gotham City. He is a human, yet can keep up with all the Super Powered people in the Justice League. He is the pinnacle of human perfection. 2 Points for Batman.
Batman beat Superman in a fight in the "Hush" comic series. 1 point for Batman.
Superman has a healthy relationship with Lois Lane and seems a down to Earth kind of guy. 1 Point for Superman
Batman is unstable and dark, but a good person. 1 for Batman.

As you can tell this debate can go on and on. For the sake of time, I am just going to declare Batman winner. I do like Superman very much but for my money, you can't beat the worlds greatest detective and super hero, Batman. I rest my case.

New Star Trek Film

2006-04-25T07:18:00.000-07:00

I heard a rumor yesterday about a new Star Trek film in the works. Needless to say, I am so incredibly excited! It's being put together by J.J. Abrams, the creator of the tv show Lost. It is a prequel to the original series we all know and love and will feature a young James T. Kirk and Mr. Spock. Whoever is cast as James T. Kirk, in my opinion, will be the luckiest person ever! Live long and Prosper!

My Construction Job

2006-04-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

In early 1997 I returned home from serving a mission for my church after being gone for two years. I was now 21, ready to start my life again! Ready to go to school and have a job…A real job. I worked here and there before my mission, a clerk for 2 weeks at the local “Pak N Save”, a bus boy at a strip mall lunch joint for a month and work here and there for my Uncle Mark’s business. But this time it was different. I was a man now, a man who just completed serving two years as a missionary in the projects of the east coast. I can handle the hard stuff. A member of my church told me of a job opportunity at his construction company that I could have if I wanted. I, being a man now, jumped at the chance for a real job. I immediately ran out and bought a car, my first stick shift!
The first day on the job was a challenge. I showed up in my jeans, t-shirt and new pair of Vans shoes. Ready to start, I quickly found the Forman and reported to work. “Where are your tools?” he asked me. “Uh.” was my reply. I spent the rest of the day hauling unbelievably heavy metal pipes around the construction site. Maybe this wasn’t for me.
Day two on the job went a little different. It was now my job to install the unbelievably heavy metal pipes onto the ceiling of the building. I climbed my 9 foot ladder with the heavy pipe on my shoulder. It only took me 20 minutes to get to the top. I some how managed to get the pipe close enough to the ceiling that I was able to slip it into the metal brace. Pleased with myself and recently relieved of the cumbersome pipe I started to move down the ladder. Unfortunately, I slipped. I fell the entire 9 feet directly into a 4 foot concrete trench someone had dug for some reason. I hit both legs on the sides of the trench on my way down and was sure they were both broken into small unfixable shards of bone. As I stood there, rooted in my own pain, laughter broke out suddenly. My fall happened while every one was watching me. Humiliated and hurt, I pulled myself out of the trench and managed to stand. I was trying hard to force the tears away and barely managed to squeak out the words “I quit.” More laughter. I walked back to my car and drove home. Now cursing the fact that I had purchased a stick shift every time by mangled leg touched the clutch. For the next few months I had the worlds largest and most green and purple bruises up and down my legs as my only proof that I had ever been a construction worker.

An Easter Surprise

2006-04-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

With Easter having recently passed, I remembered something funny from Easter 3 years ago. My youngest daughter Maile Rose was 1 year old at the time. We never have the "Easter Bunny" hide real eggs because we wont eat them and we don't want to be wasteful. Instead he hides chocolate covered marshallow eggs, which we feel are much more delicious. When Maile rose found her first egg she was hesitant about picking it up. She stared at it for a minute. Then she said "yucky poo-poos." I'm sure you have all seen these eggs and know that they could resemble a turd. Of course, my wife and I found this to be hilarious. We tried to tell her to pick it up and put it in her basket but she wasn't going for it. We had our older daughter Ellie pick it up to show Maile Rose but again she said "yucky poo-poos." We told her it wasn't poop but she didn't believe us so we had Ellie take a bite. We then saw one of the best facial expressions you could ever imagine seeing in your life. It was a look of shock and awe and amazement of what that 1 year old saw - her big sister biting into poo. It was quite an amusing day for us. It still took us another half hour to convince her that the eggs were edible but we finally did. Now it's her favorite Easter candy.

Avast Ye Scurvy Scum

2006-04-16T01:17:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone knows why I look the way I do. You know - the the crazy long hair and the unkempt beard. I wasn't doing it to win a good looks contest. I wanted to be a pirate. Ever since I was little and even still as an adult, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland was my favorite. Before seeing the movie in 2003 I had made up my mind that it was going to be a great film, and it was. Before I saw it for the first time I never imagined that I would be or could be an actor, but as we were leaving the theater I told my wife that if there was going to be a sequel then I was going to be in it. I know she thought nothing of the statement since it seemed random but she couldn't see the fire that started inside me. I was so fascinated with how cinema can make anything a reality. I never really thought about it before but I had assumed that to be an actor you needed to have friends or family in Hollywood, which I did not. Nevertheless, I spent the next two months on the internet trying to figure out how to get into the "club." I'm sure my friends and family thought that when I found it impossible, I would give up. But, I'm stubborn. Within a couple months of seeing P1 (the first Pirates of the Caribbean), I had my first role as a waiter in a Hallmark channel movie. I didn't have any lines but you could see me clear as anything. I built upon that, doing background work and local commercials. I met people such as Richard Gere, Brooke Sheilds, and Lou Diamond Phillips, who is a great guy. Then came the news that there would be two sequels to Pirates. I spent a lot more time on the internet researching the crew and casting agents. I found who was doing the background casting and went to LA to register with them. I stopped cutting my hair and I shaved for the last time at Thanksgiving 2004. In December 2004 there was an open casting call in Hollywood and I was excited as can be. My wife went with me to the cattle call. About 1100 other people wanted to be in the sequels too. My wife and I saw the line that went on for a couple blocks and she said "Honey, look at all these people. Do you think you really have a chance?" I smiled and responded "Yep. It's my turn." Her question didn't bother me because any normal person would have thought the same thing. But I had made up my mind that I was going to be a pirate and nothing else mattered. If they were going to pick someone out of 1100 people then they would have to pick me. They never tell you anything right away so I had to wait. After a while I heard they were ready to assemble a cast. I had bought a second cell phone to use for acting stuff only so if it rang, I knew it was for a good reason. Well it rang one day in January 2005 and I felt like I won the lottery. They said I would be used as an extra for sure but they wanted me to go to Disney studios the next day to audition for Gore Verbinski, the director. Besides my wedding and my childrens births, this was the best day of my life. I auditioned to be a pirate in Captain Jacks crew and was excited and very impatient. Once again they didn't tell me anything right away. They planned to start filming in March 2005 and film both sequels back to back. In February 2005 they realeased two lists of names of about 25-30 that would work between both movies. My name was on the 2nd list. I did the math and it came out to be about a 2.7% (yes, 2point7%) chance of me being picked, but I told you it was my turn. I went to Disney studios two more times to meet with the directors and assistants. I have to be honest though - After a year and a half of no grooming and not having worked on the film yet, I really began to wonder if it was going to happen. I did have some doubts but I wasn't going to give up. I had been told that I would probably be used in P3 but not P2. That was fine as long as they got me in but the days continued to pass. Then came April 12, 2006 and my special cell phone rang once again. I was told that I needed to come right away and get fit for a pirate costume. They needed to add a scene to P2. It was supposed to be completed already since it will be in theaters July 7, 2006. It is apparently an important scene though and a set up for P3. So I will be working in P2 afterall and they said I would be used quite a bit in P3 which resumes filming in August 2006. The news could hardly be better. It's finally going to happen. I'm a pirate! Yo ho, yo ho! To everyone that has been excited for me, I thank you very much. It has fueled my fire. The support from my wife has been great. Tuesday April 18, 2006 is when I film for P2 with many more days to come later on P3. I will post pictures for those interested. If you want a moral to the story, here it is. You've all heard it before but I proved it - You can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. G'day Mateys!

Welcome to the Internet!

2006-04-14T13:13:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to publicly thank Mr. Al Gore for his inventing the Internet. Now that I've gotten that out of the way...here is what I need: Internet popularity. Cory and I are trying out hardest to get this blog and our videos the attention that (we feel) it deserves. What we need from each of you, the loyal readers, to do is:

1. Bookmark this site and visit often. The more hits we get the more we show up on search engines. Also, we're updating with new posts on a daily basis so far, so if you don't keep checking back you may miss something good!
2. Tell all your friends (and enemies) to check it out! They can also add it to their Favorites as well, heck, you can set it as your homepage even!
3. Post comments on our stuff! At the bottom of each post there is a "comments" link. When you click that you can read what people have said. There is a "post comment" link there as well so you can add your two cents. No account is needed to post, you may simply click "Other" or "Anonymous" if you like! The comments let us know you are reading and what you think. Please be more descriptive the simply "You guys Suck".

Thank you for your help in making this page one of the Internet greats someday. We have put, and will continue to put hard work into what we do simply to bring a smile to all your beautiful faces (the ugly ones too, you know who you are)!

The Sound of Music

2006-04-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

I love music. It potrays emotion like nothing else, except maybe a Hallmark commercial. Unfortunately for me, I have no musical talent. I was born into a family of musicians but the gene skipped right over me. Growing up, my mom performed in musicals and I have uncles and cousins in bands with CDs in circulation. My mom even sang The National Anthem at a baseball game. But as for me - I cant even fart in tune. I do listen to music all the time though. One particular type of music that I don't really like is Country. I know everyone else jokes how the lyrics are always about the dog dying, the wife leaving, something about beer, and Sasquatch stealing the truck but I'm not sure if that's true. I can't get past the first line. All the twangy guitars and the instruments that no one has ever heard of. What the heck is a Dulcimer? Every song sounds exactly the same. That's why I listen to SKA.

BundtHoles!

2006-04-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

Check out our new video for Bundtholes! It's the tasty new treat, sure to be a hit! Let us know what you think by posting a comment below. We have to give mad props to Jordan Seavers for his awesome song. We were only able to use a few seconds of it in the video, but you can download the entire mp3 right here. It's sure to hit the top 40 charts soon!

A day I'll never forget

2006-04-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

An interesting thing happened to me when I was a teenager. To get right to the point - I unwillingly got a second hole in my butt. I know that piercings are a popular trend, but I have never pierced anything on purpose. I was at my Grandmothers house where my uncle also lived. Him and I were going to a show in Oakland later that evening and Grandma was gone for the day so we were just goofing around. I was in the spare room pretending like I could play my uncles drums but really just making a bunch of noise. The stool I was sitting on was not of the highest quality and was very wobbly. While banging away I slipped off the stool and landed on my rear end. I instantly had the worst charlie horse I have ever felt in my life. I got up and was rubbing that spot on my bum when I felt a hole in my brand new white Levis. Confused, I looked down to see the ring that belongs on the front of the kick drum. If you are familiar with drum kits then you will know that this ring has two large metal spikes that have a purpose of digging in to the stage so the drum doesn't move with every kick. When I saw a spike sticking up where I fell, and realized what happened - I wasn't very excited. Starting to panic, I ran into Grandmas bathroom to assess the damage. I pulled down my white pants with a hole in them to look at the moon in the mirror. There was a large hole in my left butt cheek that I could see in to (those drum spikes were about as big around as my pinky). With a sharp, clean piercing there wasn't a blood rush yet. Quickly getting light-headed, I had to figure out what to do. No way was I going to the doctor to show him my butt. I started rummaging through the drawers and cabinets in Grandmas bathroom and I hit the jackpot - a tube of Neosporin. I quickly unscrewed the cap and squirted the whole tube in, filling up my unwanted hole. I stuck five or six band-aids over it and wanted to pretend like nothing happened. By now though, my uncle was wondering what all the ruckus was. I came out and tried to explain but as I was walking I started slowly losing consciousness and passed out on the couch. When I awoke my uncle said we could skip the show but I didn't want to. The two hour drive to Oakland wasn't too enjoyable beacuse I had to sit on my right butt cheek the whole time. In fact, that's how I sat for the next two weeks. I now have a battle scar and an interesting story but luckily I survived.

The Future Isn't Here

2006-04-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

It would be an understatement to say that I am a little disappointed with the lack of "Futuristic" technology. Maybe I watched too much Star Trek, or Jetsons growing up, but I expected more out of the 2000's. I know it's been said a lot but, Where the (bad word) is my Flying Car! Here we are, using up the Earths oil and polluting the air like suckers. You know what I think? I think that the big oil and car industry have flying cars. That's right...They have them and won't share because flying cars wouldn't run on oil, and then they wouldn't get the profits they get by having the world in a full nelson! So next time you're stuck in traffic, try looking up. I bet you'll see a few oil tycoons flying in their cars, high above traffic, smoking cigars made out of baby seals and one hundred dollar bills. And that's only the start!
There are scientist working round the clock trying to figure out how to make sure that our laundry smells like fresh air, but we haven't figured out yet how to make food that is actually good for you taste like all the great food that is actually bad for you! You know why America is fat? All our great tasting food, that is advertised on television, is bad for you! I am one of the "overweight" Americans! I know what I'm taking about. Why does a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese (DQP) taste so good, yet instantly clogs all my major arteries and veins to the point where, I am sure, my blood is the constancy of Crisco? Why can't science take some of the repulsive foods, like Brussel Sprouts, and make them taste like a DQP? I'm not saying that all the good food tastes bad. My wife is actually a great cook and cooks wonderful things that are good for me. But all those commercials on the tv about how wonderful it would be to eat a giant slab of eggs, wrapped in a sausage, covered in bacon cooked in butter, between to pieces of french toast with built in syrup for breakfast are a little hard to ignore!
I think that the problem with our lack of Futuristic Technology is due to the fact that America (a place filled with the top Scientists and MIT) is constantly at war with other countries. We pour trillions and jillions of dollars to go poking around in far away places when here at home we don't even have flying cars and great tasting brussel sprouts. Come on America, get your priorities straight! Who's going to develop these things for us? France?

eBay

2006-04-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

I am just like everyone else and I am down with ebay. If you can imagine it - someone is selling it on ebay. Plus they have this "buy it now" button just in case you just cant wait to have a celebrities kidney stones or chewed gum. I have bought and sold all kinds of fun stuff but there are some things I come across that make no sense to me. One thing that irritates me is how everyone puts the word "rare" in the listing with bold letters and asterisks. Your item is *NOT* rare or you wouldn't have it or be selling it for 99 cents. Stop putting that word in you auction. The only exception would be if you were selling steaks and you listed a live cow. Otherwise, QUIT IT.
I am amazed sometimes with what people try to sell. The other day I was searching around and came across an auction where someone was selling t-shirts, which is not so weird, but the shirts were dirty and torn and had a message on the front that read " I survived 9/11 and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Can you believe that? What is wrong with people? So I read through the description and found the word "rare", so i scrolled up to see the quantity available and it was like 10,000 or something. I wonder how many times "buy it now" was clicked. In the fine print at the bottom I found something interesting. It said "When purchasing this item you will also recieve a free one way ticket staight to hell." Yippee!! I bet that started a "buy it now" frenzy. Have fun.

Nadvil

2006-03-31T07:17:00.000-08:00

Here is a commercial parody Cory and I put together, with the help of my wife Laura. It's all Cory's idea, actually the sweet outfit that Cory's wearing is my idea. Let me know what you all think! Get ready for Nadvil!

Traffic

2006-03-28T20:11:00.000-08:00

I figured out the problem with traffic. It's not the cars, it's the people in the cars. I have a pretty long commute to work every day. I'm not complaining or anything (Okay, maybe a little bit). I drive next to a LOT of cars containing people every single day. For the most part, those people aren't bad, but sometimes some people need pulled over and slapped repeatedly. Not by me of course, I have absolutely no authority. The problem is the police have a little bit too much responsibility as is right now, so what I propose is a whole separate group of concerned citizens whose job would be to find the people who need slaps, pull them over and slap the crap out of them in front of the rest of the commuters, surrounded by the crazy honks from passer-bys. This, I feel, would cut down on the cases of road rage, which while it's not on the news everyday, is still an epidemic in our society.
The people who I feel need a good smack are as follows:

1. Anyone who "Drifts" from lane to lane. I don't care if it's a stimulating cell phone conversation, or someone putting on lipstick, or someone checking their email, these people need understand what those white marks with the little bumps on them are there for. It's to keep your car on the outside of my car! Pay attention to what you're doing!

2. People who decide to change lanes without making sure someone isn't already occupying that space in the universe already. Seriously, why do you think there are mirrors in your car? I'm pretty sure these people have every "rear view" mirror aimed directly at themselves. Please make sure the place you are intending to occupy isn't already inhabited because certain kinds of matter cannot pass through other certain kinds of matter.

3. I'm going to wrap this up with this last one, which is by far my most deserving of a major crack in the teeth...people who drive at or under the speed limit in the fast lane. Now if this is how you drive, that's fine. That's why there is a lane called the "SLOW LANE"! I bet if these people understood the words "Fast" as they pertain to the fast lane there would be at least half as many accidents on the freeways. I've seen the way people deal with this kind of slow moving road block. You get as close as you can to the back of the person in front of you and give dirty, glaring looks at the driver ahead of you, even if that's not the person causing the slow down (even if it's not the person directly behind that person as well). As soon as the traffic in the adjacent shows a gap large enough to squeeze into, you cram your foot on the gas and attain warp speed for about 20 seconds as you tear around the slow poke, offering your middle finger as a salute slowness, and then pull your steering wheel hard over right in front of the slow person narrowly missing their front bumper. This happens to the slow driver about 4000 times in a period of about 10 minutes. Seriously, MOVE OVER!

Jury Duty

2006-03-28T19:47:00.000-08:00

I watch a lot of Law and Order on NBC and reruns on TNT. I am currently on Jury Duty. I have been on a trial now for a little over a week. I have been quite interested in watching how the legal system works. It's often shown to be quite an exciting event on television and movies and as a juror I'll have a front row seat! WOO HOO! (Enter Real Life) I fell asleep the first day. I know I'm a horrible person falling asleep doing my civic duty and everything, but in real life...trials are boring. I won't go into any specifics as the trial is still going on, but...it's NOTHING like television. If you're ever on jury duty and get picked for a trial, GET OUT OF IT! I found out one sure fire way of getting out of being picked for a trial. Act like you're crazy. Speak up when ever you feel like it about whatever is going on in your mind at the time...no matter who is talking...and do it LOUDLY. That and drool A LOT. Follow these simple rules and you're sure to get out of any jury service. Now go watch some Law and Order.

My Take on the Old Pirate vs. Ninja Question

2006-03-24T09:21:00.000-08:00

I know a lot of you are die hard Ninja supporters, and many of you are probably glued to www.askaninja.com and don't get me wrong...I love that site, but I still think that Pirate's are the way to go. Here is my proof!
P.S. I'm the fat guy in the white shirt!

Welcome to the Cage

2006-03-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

Thanks for visiting The Primate Cage. I hope you find your stay enjoyable, well not now...There's really nothing here yet. In a few days I hope you'll find this site enjoyable. If you are interested in some funny stuff I made, click here: www.pirates-life.com/videos.html It's my very first web based videos. If you think they're funny, let me know...If you think they Suck, let me know that too, but please be more descriptive then just "They Suck" Thanks!

P.S. Let me know how you've Stumbled upon my site!