Al Gore Prepares Son for the Future

EARTH—Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.

"I tried to warn them, but the Elders of this planet would not listen," said Gore, who in 2000 was nearly banished to a featureless realm of nonexistence for promoting his unpopular message. "They called me foolish and laughed at my predictions. Yet even now, the Midwest is flooded, the ice caps are melting, and the cities are rocked with tremors, just as I foretold. Fools! Why didn't they heed me before it was too late?"

Al Gore—or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al—placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity's hubristic folly.

"There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race," Gore said. "I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home."

As the rocket soared through the Gore estate's retractable solar-paneled roof—installed three years ago to save energy and provide emergency rocket-launch capability in the event that Gore's campaign to save Earth was unsuccessful—the onetime presidential candidate and his wife, Tipper, stood arm-in-arm, nobly facing their end while gazing up in stoic dignity at the receding rocket, the ecosystem already beginning to collapse around them.

In the final moments before the Earth's destruction, Gore expressed hope that his son would one day grow up to carry on his mission by fighting for truth, justice, and the American way elsewhere in the universe, using his Earth-given superpowers to become a champion of the downtrodden and a reducer of carbon emissions across the galaxy.

"Perhaps he will succeed where I have failed," Gore said.

Despite the child's humble beginnings, experts predict the intergalactic journey may have some extraordinary effects on Kal-Al's physique, eyesight, and, potentially, his powers of quiet, sensible persuasion.

"On his new planet, Kal-Al's Earth physiology will react to the radiation of a differently colored sun, causing him to develop abilities far beyond those of mortal men," political analyst Sig Schuster said. "He will be faster than a speeding Prius, stronger than the existing Superfund program, and able to leap mountains of red tape in a single bound. These superpowers will sustain him in his never-ending battle against conservatives, wealthy industrialists, and other environmental supervillains."

Although Gore and his wife voiced regrets that they could not accompany their son on his journey, they tried their best to equip Kal-Al for life on his new planet, providing the infant with a Keynote slide-show presentation of all human knowledge, a self-growing crystal fortress from which to monitor glacier shrinkage, and a copy of Al Gore's 1992 bestseller, Earth In The Balance.

The baby was also wrapped in a blanket emblazoned with the Gore family crest, which, because it is made of Earth materials, will be invulnerable on the new planet. It is hoped that one day it will be fashioned into a colorful costume for the boy to wear while fighting wrongdoers.

"In brightly hued tights, it will be harder for people there to ignore him when he takes on his new planet's lobbyists, auto manufacturers, and enemies of justice," Schuster said. "A bold and eye-catching unitard will give Kal-Al, last son of Earth, a formidable tool for protecting his new planet, a power more awesome than any his father could have dreamed of: the power of charisma."

From TheOnion.com

Life is Taking Forever

Why does it feel like life is taking so long? Maybe because every day seems exactly the same. Every week blends into every other week. Every month is the same as the previous months. I find myself reflecting on life in Philadelphia. I no longer consider it the hell hole I once thought it was. In fact, I look back on our time there longingly wishing we could be back. It's not necessarily the city I miss, although, I do miss it quite a bit. It was the life I was able to live out there. My sole purpose for nine months was to take care of my daughter and support my wife. I woke up in the mornings and watched cartoons with my kid. We asked the question together "What do you want to do today?" and the answers were always exciting. The zoo, the mall, the museums. Today I woke up, unsure of what day it actually was in my groggy morning haze and realized that it doesn't actually matter what day it is. I know I have to go to work, just like every other day. No one asks me what I want to do today for fun. I don't get to slowly wake up to Spongbob and my daughters request for juice. I get to be stuck in the I-5 construction with everyone else trying to simply drive my car to work, which seems so difficult when they won't let you drive on the road that gets you there. I don't mean to sound ungrateful about having a job. It's a great job as far as jobs go and the money I bring in is absolutely essential in maintaining an existence. I'm a grown up, this is what we do. But for nine wonderful months I lived the other side where I was the boss. I was the activities director for a 2 year old who adored me. I drew my comics and played video games in the evening. I had energy to walk for miles a day to see what the city offered around each corner. Now all I want to do at the end of a day is sit on the couch and watch tv with my wife because I'm exhausted. I know life at home with kids isn't all fun and games. It's a lot of work. A lot of work. I'm sure my brain has erased most of what was difficult about that life and replaced it with the flowers and sunshine that I now think back on. I remember out there not being happy as well. I remember thinking that I wanted a job so I could get out of the house alone sometimes. That I wanted to be a contributing member of society. That I would love to bring in money. Life is funny that way. Why can't I simply be happy with what I am doing currently, no matter what? Why can't I just find something inside myself that makes me happy and hang on to it? I love my family very much. I enjoy my time I get to spend with them. They make me genuinely happy...a lot. But it takes a lot of work, a lot of effort, a lot of yourself to live with other humans, to work with other humans, to be a human. I'm just feeling frazzled around the edges. I'm too young to be so worn out.

My New Car

I have to preface this posting by saying two things. First, my wife is awesome. Second, it didn't cost what you think it costs. That having been said, I bought a new car. We sold my Honda Civic last year when we moved to Philadelphia and have been a one car family since then. In Philly, it worked out great because we could walk most everywhere we wanted to be. And it was great. Now that were back in our home and the city life is over we have been living with the one car. It's been nice getting a ride to work on a few days and spending that extra time with the wife and kids, but Laura will start school soon. We will need to be able to shuffle and juggle a bit more. Now I have done my research. I have looked into almost every type car that's available. I have been wheeling and dealing with car dealers via phone calls, emails, and drop ins. I have haggled my way to the best price of every car that I liked or thought I liked. Most the cars were going to be too much when you factored in the financing or options like, air conditioning. My brother told me about the GM Family pricing we get because my Grandfather worked for so long at a GM factory. I could get any GM new car for a huge price deduction and 0% financing. So, I looked at a few GM cars closer. The cheapest one that I could find that I liked was the Pontiac Solstice, in fact there was only one other car cheaper and it was a tiny little lego car. I know, it's a two seater sports car convertible. But seriously, with the rebate and the financing it was cheaper then any of the sedans I was looking at. I even drove a few sub compact cars. I couldn't stop thinking "This cars is a dream car, but still less expensive then the other more practical cars". I couldn't get over the two seater aspect as I have kids now. When it comes down to it I had a conversation with my wife. It's is impractical to have a two seater car, but this is the car that will take me to work, and take Laura to school. The monthly payment is what makes the most sense to us. And the gas millage is still 32 mph. Also, it was 200 dollars less to insure for some reason as well. So for all those family and friends who see my new car and think that we have overstretched our budget, or who think that we are being impractical or who think I am going through and early mid life crisis should know. It was cheaper, it's our commuter, it made sense. That being said....it's also a TRANSFORMER!